It's Grown

Yesterday morning, I was in the back garden when something caught my eye. The oil palm plant you gave me has grown, yes finally! You gave me the plant in May 2005 before you left for the States and told me it was a rare specie. I planted it in thinking it will grow quickly but for the longest time it hardly grew. So you can imagine how excited I was when I noticed the leaves have grown longer and the trunk taller! I even talked to the plant, expressing my pleasure at seeing it blossom into a nice little tree. Thank you for the nice present.
aunty choo choo

At my side

On Friday morning, I went for a surgical procedure to patch the hole in my ear drum. When I woke up past 5pm, I thought about you. I know you will be there for me, waiting to take me home like you did the last time I was at Pantai Hospital. I miss you so much.

aunty choo choo

Messages

Of late, I have been dreaming dreams that I know holds some message. I know this when I can recall what they are upon wakefulness. However these recent ones are different in this respect.

I can’t seem to recall the events in these dreams. Just a lingering feeling that I need to understand these messages and that they are important for my well being. Occasionally a fragment of the dream may drift into my thoughts but before I could grasp its content, its gone. Like a whiff of smoke, it slips past my fingers and disappears into thin air.

It is believed that our dreams are a way for our conscious minds to process and understand what our unconscious self knows to be true. Maybe there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now but then again this is not new.

Last Sunday, I had an unpleasant experience that left me feeling naked, stripped of my defenses and vulnerable. I was in a state of shocked for a while and at that moment, I also felt very alone….

Never a bother

I woke up sobbing this morning... triggered by what you said to CS in my dream.

Try as I may, it still escapes my consciousness what it was you were trying to get him to do. All I know is that it has something to do with his studies. You were trying to coach or guide him in the right direction and both CS and I knew it. But somehow he is slow in responding and I may have something to do with it. You repeated it several times telling him that if he did as told, you would never bother him again.

"I will never bother you again".... was embedded in my waking thoughts. The realization that you were not here was so overwhelming that I just burst out crying. As wakefulness begun to set in, my pragmatic self took over. I searched to remember your message but without success.

Your brother's interview for his PhD application is scheduled for Oct 22 and I am thinking that you may be trying to get something across. We are very proud of him and I am sure you are too. Only 5 were short listed out of more than 30 applicants.

What could the message in my dream be? Was there one? Will you please come back tonight and tell me....?

Hope

What is wholesomeness without modesty and respectability, fulfillment without dignity and respect?
What is giving without generosity and meaning, happiness without contentment and joy?
What is life without passion and excitement, love without sacrifice and surrender?

And so many drift aimless, stumbling blindly in search of what they know not
Theory and reality co-mingled and entwined, unraveling slowly but only for a few
The lessons in life are bitter sweet, the path is rock-strewn and the direction is uncertain
But surely for the few who perseveres, faith abound bidding farewell to despair

It is an imperfect world and by decree a flawed existence and not by choice
And so we call on Hope and Sanguinity to lend a helping hand, to shed some light at the end of the tunnel
The coming of the dawn brings sunshine or so the expectation, overcoming Anguish and Misery
But there is no guarantee, only faith and a commitment to stay the path with the hand fate has dealt
And in the end, find solace in the conviction that life is precious and to be cherished

Happy Birthday from A.Choo Choo

I want to wish you a happy birthday. I miss you.

Work has been crazy and we've been firefighting all day but I was always thinking about you. Tried calling mum but the phone was engaged. I'll try again tomorrow.

ACC

Happy birthday

We raised our glasses last night
And wished you happy birthday
You would have been thirty three
Today
How can we ever stop wondering
What it would have been like
If you were here
Eating your mother's prawn mee
By the bowls
Drinking the best Shiraz your mother could buy
Why can't we comprehend
The emptiness of your absence
Why can't we settle
Our nights into a dreamless sleep
And move through each moment, each day, each year
Seamlessly
Without hungering for your smile
Without weeping for your touch

Looking to this Day!

http://meiphingsep151975todec282005.shutterfly.com/
As your birthday draws closer, the feeling of hollowness and facing a world without you increases in magnitude. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to grief and I know you want for me to be happy. I think I've achieved happiness to a certain extend or at least on the surface. I go through the mechanics of living. I do enjoy the company of friends and the various activities that keep me challenged and engaged. But underneath it all, the sadness remains.. Lately I've started thinking about happiness and what that means. Quite amazingly, there are quite a few definitions of happiness. One especially struck a cord with my own philosophy and that of the way you've lived your life. Here’s a toast to life, the way it should be lived… And I will do my best to live every second like it was my last one…

“Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day! Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!”

................... Kalidasa

Celebrating MP's life Episode2

November 2007 was the 1st episode toward making some meaningful effort at celebrating your life. Almost a year has passed and your birthday is coming up again. So far my effort had not been much to shout about but I guess when it comes from the heart, a little goes a long way.

After the 1st visit to the village, I had the opportunity to lend Reiter's OA cause a hand. I had gone to the 'Gerai' to pick up some gift ideas for my trip to the US. When I was at her stall, a customer was interested in one of the larger wood carvings which was in storage in Hartamas so I volunteered to go get it for her and did. I also ended up spending more than a 100 bucks on gifts for friends. Recently I picked up some items for myself. Guess my accessories will now be more ethnic than ever...

More recently, I donated on behalf of a friend to the chinese earthquake victims amounting to more than 1K (not sure if this counts even if I made the call). I also suggested a blood donation campaign as one of the activities for our community projects and this was realized yesterday. Happy to say the turn out was good and we hit our target and collected more than 100 bags (350 ml each). And yes, this time I had enough blood to contribute my share...:)

The next project is to see if we can create some awareness for the OA and the challenges they face. I am excited at the prospect of doing a little more for these people ...
http://www.wildasia.net/main.cfm?page=article&articleID=267

Living the moment

I did wonder if I should wear the kebaya that I had worn for your graduation but felt it may be too formal given that your brother had already said no dress code. So instead I put on a summer dress and almost froze for my vanity. Good thing I had the good sense to bring along a jacket and silk scarve. These did the trick and kept me warm. Auntie Choo2 kept warm in a borrowed winter coat from Dorcus.. :)

We took a road trip to Scotland and I was and still am pretty surprised that your brother and I did not fight even once. We drove up to Edinburgh then to Inverness (did not see any monster) and then on to the Isle of Skye before heading back to Liverpool. Edinburgh is a really beautiful city with all its old majestic looking buildings and quaint alley ways. In terms of scenery, I would have to say the Skye won hands down. Rolling hills, green green meadows and cliffs dropping into tap clear water and super clean beaches. My only regret was not having planned for a dip. However we made up for it at a little town called Mallag. We were also up close and personal with the train used in the Harry Porter movies. Your brother was so excited.

Throughout the entire trip, I kept feeling your presence. The thought of living the moment for you was always hovering in my mind. Not sure if I fully understand the rationale, just one of those things I suppose. You would have enjoyed every minute of this trip just like you did everything else that came your way.

Like Pheng says, we are not quite ready to let you go... and so we cling on to your memory.

A Day To Be Proud Of

You would be proud to know that your brother Chean Shen has graduated with a major in micro-electronic engineering on 22 July. He is the only one in John Moores University to hold the degree in this field. Your mom and I were at the Liverpool Anglican Cathedral, where the graduation ceremony was held, to share this proud moment with him. We were so happy when we saw him went up on stage to receive his scroll. And oh, before I forget, Chean Shen's girlfriend, Dorcus, joined us with her parents to take some pictures. It was a very pleasant day with temperatures hovering around 16 degrees celcius but the wind factor makes it seemed much colder. In the evening, your mom hosted a dinner at Chean Shen's place to celebrate the happy occasion. Chean Shen is sharing a house with Dorcus and Elaine, who had their graduation ceremony on the following day. Needless to say, we showed up the next day to share the happy moment with them, and again took lots of pictures. I couldn't help thinking of the time when we attended your graduation ceremony and I had to borrow a cardigan to cover my bare shoulders not knowing UKM has a strict dress code. In Liverpool, there's no such restriction. How I wish you could be with us.
Your loving aunty choo choo

Moving On...

This past Sunday, I spent the day lazing around… doing nothing. Then at about 3pm, it started to rain. I have always been very excited about the rain and so I thought… good opportunity to go into the bedroom for a nap.

I dreamt of Mei Phing. In my dream, I moved into a bungalow on Penang Hill, I was alone as Mom & Dad was away in Singapore. After staying there… for not sure how long, MP came into the picture. She seems to be staying with me and she would be chatting away. I don’t know what we chatted about but we were always talking. All thru this time, I was thinking… but MP is dead… she can’t be talking to me. Why was she behaving like she is not dead?

Then Mom came back and I told Mom about MP being around and chatting with me as if she is not aware that she had passed away. I asked Mom what we should do. We need to help MP move on. So, Mom said, since I was the only one who could see her and talk to her, that I should tell her that she had died.

So, I quickly went looking for MP knowing that is the right thing to do. But, I was filled with so much sadness that I had trouble telling her that she had passed away. I struggled and cried so hard but I finally managed to get the words out.

Without saying a word, she smiled at me, in her usual mischievous smile… telling me that the joke is on me coz she already knows. Then I cried even harder, not believing that she can play such a cruel joke on me.

Then she said, “It is OK, I have all of you in my heart always and I can see that everyone has moved on very well”. I was so frustrated and sad, so I yelled back, “Noooooo!!!! We are all just good at pretending to be moving on!” I was so emotionally charged that I woke up at that moment. My cheeks were wet from crying in my dream. In the following moments, I realised that the only way I can ever chat with MP again is in my dreams … the sense of loss is so overwhelming… I cried even harder awake.

I really wonder how can we ever really move on, when the loss is so great and overwhelming that I don’t really know how or where to start moving on? Well, the only way really, I guess… is to start by pretending we are moving on and someday (hopefully soon), we realized that we have indeed moved on. And when that day comes, we can stop pretending. That’s when we can think of her with beautiful memories and without our hearts breaking all over again.

I do believe this is Mei Phing’s way of telling me to stop pretending that she away in the U.S. and deal with her death by making me say it in my dream. It is a painful and cruel way but I guess the best treatment for denial is shock treatment!! Hehehe… Thanks MP, for the wake-up call!

New beginings

Last week I received a letter addressed to you. Guess what, its your panther’s insurance renewal notice. Yeah your brother never got round to transferring the bike to his name. Guess he wants to hold on to it for keep sake. I worry that the bike may not be in working condition when he comes back… oh well, we’ll see.

Speaking of your brother, his graduation 1st degree is coming soon and I’m planning on going. Its in July so it will be pretty hot I suppose but hopefully not too much. I still remember yours and the excitement. Looking back, I regret discouraging you from coming home to attend your doctoral graduation. I can’t help thinking if things could have worked out differently.

Its really uncanny but a couple of weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I heard your brother calling me. The tone was what you or your brother usually used when you guys were exasperated with me. I was groggy from sleep and the first thought was that I must have left my pc on and he was calling me on skype. I was too sleepy to get up and basically ignored the call. In the morning, I thought about it and realized it could not be as I would have needed to accept the call even if CS had called.

Upon reflection, I remembered how much alike the two of you could sound. Maybe you got through somehow huh? I am torn between wanting to speak with you one more time and the assurance that you are in a better place. I need you to tell me that this was truly your destiny and that you are happy where you are now. I need to hear you say that the powers be had bigger things planned for you that could not wait.

In the meantime, I’ve taken steps to close some chapters in my live and to open new ones. Your zeal for life continues to be the strength I feed on to be strong.

Love, mom

An unforgettable evening

This morning as we were walking to the gym, Raj commented that I have not posted anything on Mei Phing's blog since New Year's eve. Yeah, I admitted rather sheepishly, and remarked that every time I posted some thing it was to remember Mei Phing and the tone was usually sad and depressing. Raj suggests writing some thing more cheerful or about an experience that has made a lasting impact. Ah, the general elections, I exclaimed.

On Sat. night, 8 Mar, I had some friends over to pop champaign just in case the Opposition parties turn in a better performance than in the 2004 general elections. Ah Fook showed up at 6pm, earlier that we expected, just as your mom and I were starting to prepare a simple dinner. Anyway, resourceful as we are, we managed to cook up a dinner for 4 when Seng Keong (our Dr Chua), a close friend of Ah Fook and Raj decided to skip his $100 per person dinner to join us.

By 8pm, our party has begun with Raj and Narissa, and Alex and wife popping the corks and munching pizza and tidbits. By 9pm, unconfirmed results from online Malaysiakini started what promised to be a night of shocking defeat for BN and a landslide win for the Opposition parties. Imagine sms were also flying in all directions from friends more than happy to share the results. I got one sms that said Pg chief minister Koh Su Koon OUT; indeed Penang was the first state to fall to the Opposition with DAP forming the state government. We almost woke up the neighborhood with echoes of `yum seng' or `cheers'!! As the night progressed, BN had lost 3 other states, Kedah, Perak and Selangor, and retained Kelantan with a bigger majority. Some of us who had contributed to the funding campaign for Dr Jeyakumar who stood against a seemingly invincible Samy Vellu felt vindicated as he won, even if by a slim majority. Another chorus of `cheers'; our voice hoarse by then. By midnight, the Malaysiakini website had jammed up unable to cope with the overwhelming demand. We had by then hooked up with Chean Shen who was also monitoring the results from UK. He was as excited as we were. Ah Fook, Alex and wife had left by midnight but the rest of us were still monitoring the results from the TV stations, and amused ourselves by making jokes at some dour-looking BN officials at the press conference. The final verdict was that BN nearly lost its two-thirds majority if not for help from Sabah and Sarawak. Never have you seen me so animated and awake at 3am! To sacrifice my sleep was all worth it; the results speak for themselves. And to cap it all, Liverpool beat Newcastle 3-0 in the wee hours of Sunday morning!

Void that can't be filed

Somedays are just harder not to miss you and feel sad. Today is one of them. Now and then the realization that I can't reach out and touch you or call you for a chat sinks in and hits me like a ton of bricks.

At times like this, there is no escaping the heart wrenching pain that coarse through every fibre of my being. And so I succumb to the need to brawl my heart out in misery and self pity.

Its been 25 and a half months since that fateful day when you left us in such a hurry. Nothing much has changed except for the void you left behind.....

Two years passed since MP left us but her contribution to society will live on. I was always very proud of her achievements and still am. I came across some of her work and thought it befitting to share them here.

Everyday is a struggle to find meaning and not be consumed by self pity at losing my daughter. I am getting so much better at this. The fact that I was able to participate in the recent xmas festivities was a major improvement. Now the CNY draws near and I am reminded again that MP is not gonna be around. I miss my girl....

http://lifesciencesweek.rnet.missouri.edu/LSWindex/documents/pdf/brechenmacherl@1.doc.pdf

http://lifesciencesweek.rnet.missouri.edu/LSWindex/documents/pdf/brc4yd@1.doc.pdf

http://www.ejbiotechnology.info/content/vol9/issue2/full/3/bip/index.html

http://www.scielo.cl/fbpe/img/ejb/v8n1/a06/bip/

Liverpool with CS Dec2007

Well I arrived in Manchester and hang around for a couple hours before hoping onto a train heading for Liverpool. This was Dec 14 and according to your brother very well timed as he was sitting for his last paper.

After being so used to the heated buildings in the US, I was caught off guard at the relatively colder temperatures within the buildings. Parked myself in one of the cafes while waiting for your brother and while it was better than standing in the middle of the station, it was still cold. I had to keep my jacket, gloves and hat on.

CS suggested renting a car for a road trip but I was kinda lazy and really just wanted to spend time with him. So we ended up spending a lot of time shopping. Some winter clothing for him and Dorcus. Mostly we shopped in the nearby malls except for a day trip to the Cheshire Factory Outlets.

Your brother is doing pretty good. You will proud to know that he is working part-time to supplement his expenses. His first odd job was toilet cleaning, then sweeping the stadium. His third job was that of a store keeper. Although it was a temp position, it was with a huge catalog/wharehouse retailer so the experience was good. More recently he’s found himself a regular part-time job writing machine manuals. Plus he’s with a girlfriend who obviously adores him.

And oh, I am so impressed with his landlord. Surprise, surprise!!... Chris is Malaysian and an ENT surgeon training to be a consultant. Real estate is his fall back plan and he’s also pretty handy around the house, diy quite a bit of the interior fixtures. He took us out dancing at a Latin club on my birthday and guess what? He’s also an accomplished Latin dancer. We met two more medical practitioners from Msia. One is a Kidney consultant while the other an Eye surgeon. Makes me proud to be Msian.

Anyway the week flew by really fast and soon it was time to fly out to Chicago.