Moving On...

This past Sunday, I spent the day lazing around… doing nothing. Then at about 3pm, it started to rain. I have always been very excited about the rain and so I thought… good opportunity to go into the bedroom for a nap.

I dreamt of Mei Phing. In my dream, I moved into a bungalow on Penang Hill, I was alone as Mom & Dad was away in Singapore. After staying there… for not sure how long, MP came into the picture. She seems to be staying with me and she would be chatting away. I don’t know what we chatted about but we were always talking. All thru this time, I was thinking… but MP is dead… she can’t be talking to me. Why was she behaving like she is not dead?

Then Mom came back and I told Mom about MP being around and chatting with me as if she is not aware that she had passed away. I asked Mom what we should do. We need to help MP move on. So, Mom said, since I was the only one who could see her and talk to her, that I should tell her that she had died.

So, I quickly went looking for MP knowing that is the right thing to do. But, I was filled with so much sadness that I had trouble telling her that she had passed away. I struggled and cried so hard but I finally managed to get the words out.

Without saying a word, she smiled at me, in her usual mischievous smile… telling me that the joke is on me coz she already knows. Then I cried even harder, not believing that she can play such a cruel joke on me.

Then she said, “It is OK, I have all of you in my heart always and I can see that everyone has moved on very well”. I was so frustrated and sad, so I yelled back, “Noooooo!!!! We are all just good at pretending to be moving on!” I was so emotionally charged that I woke up at that moment. My cheeks were wet from crying in my dream. In the following moments, I realised that the only way I can ever chat with MP again is in my dreams … the sense of loss is so overwhelming… I cried even harder awake.

I really wonder how can we ever really move on, when the loss is so great and overwhelming that I don’t really know how or where to start moving on? Well, the only way really, I guess… is to start by pretending we are moving on and someday (hopefully soon), we realized that we have indeed moved on. And when that day comes, we can stop pretending. That’s when we can think of her with beautiful memories and without our hearts breaking all over again.

I do believe this is Mei Phing’s way of telling me to stop pretending that she away in the U.S. and deal with her death by making me say it in my dream. It is a painful and cruel way but I guess the best treatment for denial is shock treatment!! Hehehe… Thanks MP, for the wake-up call!