Void

The Ghost Festival started a couple days back. The Chinese believe that every year during the Chinese 7th lunar month, spirits are free to roam this earthly habitat as they please for 30 days.
It is a tradition in my family and many other families to pray and make offerings to the dearly departed during this period. I had done my share of this as well until now. Now that MP has joined the ranks of the dearly departed, I struggle with myself what to believe. On the one hand I want so much to have a chance to ask her why she had to go, was it really her time, was there something we could have done different? But on the other hand, I also want to believe that she’s with god. At least for my sanity I have to believe that she’s isn’t hanging around here but happy in heaven or already reborn to a good family who loves her and cherish her as we do.

When MP died, a part of me died too. I know that I must be thankful that I have my son and my family who are here for me and I am grateful for their support but my heart won’t heal. As much as I try not to, I still feel the void. People say that time will heal all wounds and I suppose it will but I have a feeling that this won’t apply to me, at least not in this lifetime.

MP would have been 31 years old in 48 days. Never in my entire life did I ever imagine life without her. We grew up together and I had always taken it for granted that we would grow old together as well. I have been trying to find my own way for the last couple of months and I am still lost.