Letting go

I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt that you were at a performance with me and mid way you got up and danced with a friend. You were doing the Swing!! I've always thought of Swing as a fun and happy dance. I woke up with the thought that you are happy and you are now happier as I learn to be happier.

2010

Last night, we (your mom, Chean Shen, Dorcus and I) had dinner at your favorite restaurant Esquire Kitchen. We ordered the dishes that you liked such as the man tou dipped in black sauce, aubergine in bean paste, and chicken with cashew nuts. Btw, Dorcus is Chean Shen's girlfriend. During dinner, we chatted about the new car that your mom is looking to buy, a Ford sports model. Before dinner, we had gone to the Ford showroom to view the car which came in red, black, grey, blue and silver. Your mom seems to like the red. It's timely for your mom to upgrade to a better car considering she is likely to promoted end of the month. Chean Shen is back for a visit for 6 weeks and he is having a good time, eating his favorite food and meeting up with his friends. He has also put on a lot of weight, and is getting teased for his extra pounds.

In retrospect, I have had a good year, taking on more responsibilities at work and learning how to relax by practicing yoga. Still miss you very much.

aunty choo choo

Happy Bday!

Ah i'll be moving in a few months, just realized how much junk i've accumulated for the last 3 years. Every week i'm throwing out a big black back of trash....they seem rather unlimtied. But it's okay, i got months to pack. Moving out while on my holiday should save some cash as well.

Should say all is well with work, but i need to work harder. Next to work is keeping myself fit. The scales go up and down as they please, i have no control over my weight. Ah well.


Happy Bday sis.

Miss you lots.

September...

I was back in KL last weekend for the Hari Raya holidays. Predictably, I spent most of the time playing mahjong with your mum and kor kor (that's how you always addressed her). Not surprisingly, kor kor took home the winnings. Your mum and I were talking about going to Shanghai with your brother to see Ah Boy. The problem is that your brother has a packed itinerary as he plans to spend some time in KL, Penang and a short holiday in Bali, when he visits in December. Well, we'll see how it goes.

Back in Singapore, I managed to catch the replay of the US Open finals. To my delight, my favorite tennis player Rafael Nadal won. He has never won the US Open until this time around, and now has completed his career grand slam after winning at the French Open and Wimbledon earlier this year.

As I write, I'm thinking you're 35!!! Happy Birthday. I miss you very much.

Auntie choo choo

Photo shoot for a good cause

Your birthday is just around the corner and this year I got to invest time in helping the Orang Asli. This time, I modeled for a website that some friends of mine set up to help them market their craft to a wider audience. www.elevyn.com

I got 5 of my friends to join me in this photo shoot. It was a 4 hour session and we were pretty tired by the time we wrapped up but we also had a lot of fun. We started at 11am and finished at 3pm so we were basically happy to heap our plates with nasi kandar for our late lunch.

I guess partying till the wee hours the night before a photo shoot was not exactly smart but I enjoyed my new friends and was having a good time. I crashed the minute I got home but still woke up feeling really lethagic. The photos turned out really well but I think my skin tone may be a little sallow. Should have used a two way cake I suppose. Also should have touched up my lips more often. Well we are our worst critic I suppose.

Well that was the gist of what I did today. I hope your day was good my darling. I miss you much.

Aller Aller....GO TEAM!!

Your friend Gabriela trained and took part in a 1/2 marathon on June 6th as a member of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's (LLS) Team In Training. It was for a great cause: "to help stop leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin lymphoma and myeloma from taking more lives".

http://pages.teamintraining.org/mn/rnr10/gmadunicca

It was just the type of thing you would have done yourself and so I thought it really cool that she dedicated her efforts to your memory. An image of your sunny smile of approval hovers in my mind whenever I get an update from Gabby of her training.

Aller aller... GO TEAM!!

CNY 2010

Getting up at 5am to be at the airport by 6am is a chore. Even more frustrating, the flight to Penang was delayed by almost an hour! Thank goodness, by the time I touched down, all my angst had evaporated. My first destination was uncle Boo Eng's place; there I was re-acquainted with Teng Hin's 2 year old daughter who proved to be a tough cookie to handle. Karvin looks 16 when he is only 12; he must have easily weighed 60kg! By 12 noon, Teng Lye was ready to drop me off at my `other' family home. Everyone tells me that my biological mother, going to 88, is losing her memory but she still remembers my name. Thirty minutes later, I was whisked off to uncle Teik Ee's house; literally the `happening' place. Kids were running around, and aunty Ah Eng was busy cooking, as always. In fact, this year she has cut down the cooking having recently recovered from a slipped disc operation. Wen Loo, whom I haven't seen for a long time, greeted me and introduced his girl friend from China, who's probably gotten used to the extended family and its noisy way of doing things. You would be glad to hear that Wen Koay, your youngest cousin, is doing very well in school and is also involved in some programming consulting work for a Singapore company. I suppose all's well that ends well; I couldn't resist a mahjong game and ended up losing 100 bucks to Wen Wei and aunty Girly. On my way to the airport to catch the 7pm flight to KL, I received a call from Ah Bin and Ah Yeu who both chided me for choosing the mahjong game over them! Ha, you would have empathized with me; CNY is not CNY without a mahjong game, right?

Remembrance

It rained today
Afterward
The grass glistened as the sun set
The birds sang their song
As dark descended
I remembered you today Mei Phing
As I laboured over the edits
Of a book I would otherwise never have read
You would have wondered maybe
At the ludicrous state of my mind
As you would have over the length of our days
As we laboured on without you
Limping into the shadows of tonight
Book without end

hk2009

The last time I was in Hong Kong was in Dec. 2005, when I received news of your sudden illness; that you had leukimia. I was shocked, angry and felt helpless. I asked a friend if she knew of any bone marrow donors and transplant facilities in HK. The next day, I was at the famous Wong Tai Sin temple seeking divine help to save your life. I made a donation pledge if you get well. When I received a call at 3am, I knew it was bad news; you had passed away. I returned to KL with a broken heart.

I was back in HK last week, and visited the WTS temple to lodge a protest. Of course, I know there is no such thing as divine intervention. Still, your death - sudden and premature - was unacceptable; the grief and pain that it caused is immeasurable. I asked myself whether I had come to HK to seek closure; may be? But there is no denying that I still miss you very much.

I see you in my dreams

I see you in my dreams and in this dream i want to stay,

But all too soon the stirring of wakefulness reaches through,

And with consciousness comes reality, Then a wave of pain descends upon my being,

Reaching deep down, squeezing my heart until I cry out in agony,

Hot tears flow freely and sobbing aloud seems the only relief,

Until the instinct for survival takes control,

And instead be grateful for the time with you,

For the light and warmth you brought to my life,

Forever in my heart, my angel........

Touching Base

Its been a while since I wrote... not much excitement to report. But I just got a new toy. Yeah its an ideapad. Been spending time loading it up with stuff that I like having on my machine. Not taken it outdoors yet but am sure we'll both love the treat. Me and my new toy that is... :)

Oh I just came back from Penang. Another one of my impromptu trips with my salsa buddies. It was interesting as I got to get a taste of the salsa scene in Penang. Very small group compared to KL. Most of the faces I already know. The first time I met most of them was on one of their many trips to KL for salsa. The place they danced on the weekend is a restaurant by the sea so the setting is rather romantic. And so we danced to music brought by one of the local salsa enthusiast and sea breeze softly brushing our sweat covered skin. The soft lighting from the parked yacht formed the background adding to the resort feel of the environment. Really all that's needed to complete the picture was some tables with white table cloths and candle light.

That was really the high light of the trip. However, I was quite disappointed that we did not get to stop for the 'chee cheong fun'. Sigh..... what a shame.

I Feel Good

I didn't think I would say that after feeling really lousy over the weekend. I don't know what hit me in the wee hours of last Friday. I threw up 3x followed by runs. The doctor said it's stomach flu, but I suspect it's reflux considering I had a similar attack years ago but minus the runs. I've to restrict my diet to plain toast and water or 100plus without the fizz or better, porridge without the trimmings. No complaints though, peanut porridge never tastes so yummy.

This morning, just before I left for work, I had the TV on to see who's leading in the US Open. The game was tight; Roger Federer and Del Potro were playing the fifth set to decide the winner. I left the flat without waiting for the final score, but hoping for an upset. When I reached my office and logged in Bloomberg, I saw the news. Del Potro had beaten Federer, yeah!
At the same time, I received an sms from my housemate who is a Federer fan and I teased him about his `loss'. He replied that `it's only a game'. So I said, `I feel good'. Happy Birthday, MP!!

Dream of 9 9

So I was driving, then I received a phone call from you. I was told to come meet you at your apartment. So I went and the lobby door was locked. In true Malaysian style I waited for someone to come out and made my entrance. I recalled in the lift, you lived in Level 9, Unit 9.

When I walked out of the lift I felt it was a very high place, windy and cold enough that i could see my own breath. I soon developed acrophobia but looked down a few times and I got used to it. Soon I was in front of your door with a typical steel grills commonly found in asian homes. There you were in your intel clothes you got free of mom. Complete with your housemates, SawHong and LiHuey and one other unknown fella. To top it off you were a wee bit chubby....

In the dream, I already realized you shouldn't be here. So this must be a dream. But instead of asking more interesting questions, we were engaged in regular small talk as if nothing happened. Unfortunately my realization that it was a dream also caused me to wake up. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling though.

Anyway, when i woke up, my mobile showed a reminder. 9 of September, a friend is leaving UK. Due to the settings the reminder would not have appeared the night i went to bed. 9 of September another friend is coming to bunk at my place as well. Naturally i told the friend who was leaving uk about the dream. She immediately assumed she's gonna die in a plane crash. Other then friends coming and going, 9 of September was pretty uneventful.

Still trying to figure out if it means something. Perhaps you were referring to 4D numbers.....090909. 9 September 2009. All in all the significance of that date it's still a mystery to me.

Anyway happy birthday. You would have been in your mid 30s you old fart.

Bravo... tres bien

Well your brother’s done it. He’s well on his way to catching up with you. Auntie Choo2 and I attended his MSc graduation and yes you guessed right. There will be at least one more to come. Maybe 3 years from now. He’s doing well! His PhD is funded with a stipend to boot. We are all very proud of him just as we were of you. I can imagine your elation at this news as well.

Last year the three of us had a simple lunch after his graduation and dinner was an affair at home with us, Dorcus and her parents. This year Auntie Choo2 and a close “family friend” treated us to a fancy French restaurant joined by Dorcus of course and CS’s quirky friend from China. Wished you could have been here to celebrate with us. I imagined you sitting next to him at dinner toasting with the rest of us to his achievement.

This trip was another adventure for us. We took a leisure hike up the Helsby hills the first weekend I arrived. We also climbed Tryfan’s in Wales or part of it. We did not go up Adam & Eve since mom would probably suffer a heart attack coming down the steep and rocky trail. If it can be called a trail! Anyways you brother’s description of his experience was enough to fill my need for adventure. Switzerland was amazing as well. My favorite was Zematt where climbers accessed the Matterhorn the highest peak in Switzerland. Of course your brother and I gleefully signed up for the climb up Briethorn (at 4164 meters, it is the 2nd highest peak in Switzerland).

But lo and behold, the thin air did me in. My muscles gave up the will to take another step up the peak at 3800 meters. We were told during the climb that we were crazy to have attempted the climb without at least 3 days of acclimatization. Even though I did not finish, I was really glad to have made the attempt. Next time….I shall be more prepared and I will conquer Breithorn! Your brother did well. He finished and was rewarded with a certificate of achievement. Bravo!

Oh oui … I finally took the plunge and signed up for French lessons. Classes are 3 times a week for 3 months totaling something like 72 hours! So far its still very basic so I am able to follow but we’ll see how I fare once the heavy artillery is dispatched….!

Tu me manques ma fille cherie! Love, Mom

Brian May

It's the second time I attended your brother's convocation. This year, it was for his Masters degree. I'm getting more familiar with the city of Liverpool, the dockyards, and of course, the Cathedral where the convocation took place. The weather was also lovely, cool and cloudy, hovering around 18-20 degrees C unlike the year before when the wind chill factor brought the temperature down to 10 degrees.

Your mom and I were there early to get the best seats to snap pictures. The convocation started promptly at 3pm followed by some VIP introductions and speeches. When the JMU Chancellor was introduced to make a speech, someone sitting next to me exclaimed excitedly: `it's Brian May'! Brian May? I must confess that I didn't know who Brian May is. But I was curious to find out, so I googled Wikipedia. Brian May studied physics at Imperial College but along the way found fame as the lead guitarist of the rock band Queen and as a rock musician for some 30 years before he returned to complete his PhD in Astrophysics in 2007; that sums up his colorful and distinguished career path. All that, however, couldn't take away the happiness we felt when we saw Chean Shen receiving his honors in Masters, and from none other than the distinguished Brian May himself.

Strong lifts 5x5

Today, I managed to lift 50kg plates; the inspiration came from you. I recalled that you were keen on weight lifting when I signed you up for gym membership at the Bukit Kiara club. The program I am on is called strong lifts 5x5 and consists of 8 exercises; starts with squats followed by overhead press, bench press, deadlift and so on.  Squats are key to the program followed by deadlift. I failed miserably at squats; i just couldn't get the technique right. But I did better with the deadlift and after 6 months of practice, I was able to lift 50kg, my own weight. I wish you were here because I know you will love this program. For you, I will continue to persevere with squats until I get the technique right. 

Life can be unfair

I was told yesterday that a girl I met recently took her own life a week ago. The thought of her wasting her life when you fought and lost made me upset. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. She was 29 and healthy and could have lived a full life.

It made me cry but more out of helplessness. I was being selfish... Thinking if only her chance could have been given to you instead..

When it rains, It pours

Yesterday as I turned off ontothe highway leading to Batu Caves, I thought of you again. I remembered the countless times you either dropped me off or came climbing with me. Maybe it was because yesterday was Mother's Day and my pain of losing you intensified. When I got to the parking lot at the Nanyang wall, I sat in the car and continued to brawl my heart out for a couple of minutes. Its a good thing I have a host of activities to keep me busy and my mind focused on other things. Cause I started crying or more like brawling again as I was driving back home.

Somebody asked if it gets better over time. I suppose it does. I don't cry as much now but when the pain comes, its just as intense as it was. So yes, when it rains, it pours! I still miss you

A great weekend

I was back in KL last weekend, and had a great time with your mom. She was in a really good mood! She looked relaxed and was accomodating about everything considering the stress she's under at work. I like the new Wendy. The weekend could not have ended better; Liverpool thrashed Manchester United at its own ground with a flattering score line, not seen since 1936!

More of your escapades

Steve’s presence here in Msia was somewhat surreal. While it was nice having him here, it was also a constant reminder of you as we brought him around and inducted him with some of your favorite hang out spots and food. It was also the first time I returned to the temple since your funeral. It was also the first time I saw Su Fung.

She shared with Steve some of your adventures and one that I did not know of. She told me how you used to sneak off early in the morning to cycle and returned before I was awake. I thought I knew all your antics but I don’t remember this one. You definitely opened the way for your brother and enabled him to do a lot of things I was too afraid to let you. To some extend watching you struggle in your last moments and feeling utterly helpless was one of the hardest feelings I had to endure. How silly of me, guess it’s a parent’s job to be over protective.

CS is back and he got to meet Steve who was here for about 10 days. Steve planned his trip to coincide with CNY so he got to meet the whole family in Penang and the rest in KL. He dug into whatever we put in front of him with gusto. Thought he was really brave until I found out that he had brought along a ‘tummy armor’ and was popping those before each meal. Still he did us proud. Not once but twice we went for durians and he loved the durian cakes. He also learned to play Mahjong and did pretty well. Talk about beginner’s luck. At Uncle Teik Ee’s he had the opportunity to entertain us with his singing err I think he was singing… :)

Your brother will return to Liverpool to continue with his PhD. The other good news is that he received a distinction for his Masters so we’re all very proud of his achievements. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he’ll receive enough funding so that he can fully concentrate on his research and not worry about making ends meet. I can imagine how proud you are of how far his come as well.

Love, mom