Bravo... tres bien

Well your brother’s done it. He’s well on his way to catching up with you. Auntie Choo2 and I attended his MSc graduation and yes you guessed right. There will be at least one more to come. Maybe 3 years from now. He’s doing well! His PhD is funded with a stipend to boot. We are all very proud of him just as we were of you. I can imagine your elation at this news as well.

Last year the three of us had a simple lunch after his graduation and dinner was an affair at home with us, Dorcus and her parents. This year Auntie Choo2 and a close “family friend” treated us to a fancy French restaurant joined by Dorcus of course and CS’s quirky friend from China. Wished you could have been here to celebrate with us. I imagined you sitting next to him at dinner toasting with the rest of us to his achievement.

This trip was another adventure for us. We took a leisure hike up the Helsby hills the first weekend I arrived. We also climbed Tryfan’s in Wales or part of it. We did not go up Adam & Eve since mom would probably suffer a heart attack coming down the steep and rocky trail. If it can be called a trail! Anyways you brother’s description of his experience was enough to fill my need for adventure. Switzerland was amazing as well. My favorite was Zematt where climbers accessed the Matterhorn the highest peak in Switzerland. Of course your brother and I gleefully signed up for the climb up Briethorn (at 4164 meters, it is the 2nd highest peak in Switzerland).

But lo and behold, the thin air did me in. My muscles gave up the will to take another step up the peak at 3800 meters. We were told during the climb that we were crazy to have attempted the climb without at least 3 days of acclimatization. Even though I did not finish, I was really glad to have made the attempt. Next time….I shall be more prepared and I will conquer Breithorn! Your brother did well. He finished and was rewarded with a certificate of achievement. Bravo!

Oh oui … I finally took the plunge and signed up for French lessons. Classes are 3 times a week for 3 months totaling something like 72 hours! So far its still very basic so I am able to follow but we’ll see how I fare once the heavy artillery is dispatched….!

Tu me manques ma fille cherie! Love, Mom

Brian May

It's the second time I attended your brother's convocation. This year, it was for his Masters degree. I'm getting more familiar with the city of Liverpool, the dockyards, and of course, the Cathedral where the convocation took place. The weather was also lovely, cool and cloudy, hovering around 18-20 degrees C unlike the year before when the wind chill factor brought the temperature down to 10 degrees.

Your mom and I were there early to get the best seats to snap pictures. The convocation started promptly at 3pm followed by some VIP introductions and speeches. When the JMU Chancellor was introduced to make a speech, someone sitting next to me exclaimed excitedly: `it's Brian May'! Brian May? I must confess that I didn't know who Brian May is. But I was curious to find out, so I googled Wikipedia. Brian May studied physics at Imperial College but along the way found fame as the lead guitarist of the rock band Queen and as a rock musician for some 30 years before he returned to complete his PhD in Astrophysics in 2007; that sums up his colorful and distinguished career path. All that, however, couldn't take away the happiness we felt when we saw Chean Shen receiving his honors in Masters, and from none other than the distinguished Brian May himself.

Strong lifts 5x5

Today, I managed to lift 50kg plates; the inspiration came from you. I recalled that you were keen on weight lifting when I signed you up for gym membership at the Bukit Kiara club. The program I am on is called strong lifts 5x5 and consists of 8 exercises; starts with squats followed by overhead press, bench press, deadlift and so on.  Squats are key to the program followed by deadlift. I failed miserably at squats; i just couldn't get the technique right. But I did better with the deadlift and after 6 months of practice, I was able to lift 50kg, my own weight. I wish you were here because I know you will love this program. For you, I will continue to persevere with squats until I get the technique right. 

Life can be unfair

I was told yesterday that a girl I met recently took her own life a week ago. The thought of her wasting her life when you fought and lost made me upset. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. She was 29 and healthy and could have lived a full life.

It made me cry but more out of helplessness. I was being selfish... Thinking if only her chance could have been given to you instead..

When it rains, It pours

Yesterday as I turned off ontothe highway leading to Batu Caves, I thought of you again. I remembered the countless times you either dropped me off or came climbing with me. Maybe it was because yesterday was Mother's Day and my pain of losing you intensified. When I got to the parking lot at the Nanyang wall, I sat in the car and continued to brawl my heart out for a couple of minutes. Its a good thing I have a host of activities to keep me busy and my mind focused on other things. Cause I started crying or more like brawling again as I was driving back home.

Somebody asked if it gets better over time. I suppose it does. I don't cry as much now but when the pain comes, its just as intense as it was. So yes, when it rains, it pours! I still miss you

A great weekend

I was back in KL last weekend, and had a great time with your mom. She was in a really good mood! She looked relaxed and was accomodating about everything considering the stress she's under at work. I like the new Wendy. The weekend could not have ended better; Liverpool thrashed Manchester United at its own ground with a flattering score line, not seen since 1936!

More of your escapades

Steve’s presence here in Msia was somewhat surreal. While it was nice having him here, it was also a constant reminder of you as we brought him around and inducted him with some of your favorite hang out spots and food. It was also the first time I returned to the temple since your funeral. It was also the first time I saw Su Fung.

She shared with Steve some of your adventures and one that I did not know of. She told me how you used to sneak off early in the morning to cycle and returned before I was awake. I thought I knew all your antics but I don’t remember this one. You definitely opened the way for your brother and enabled him to do a lot of things I was too afraid to let you. To some extend watching you struggle in your last moments and feeling utterly helpless was one of the hardest feelings I had to endure. How silly of me, guess it’s a parent’s job to be over protective.

CS is back and he got to meet Steve who was here for about 10 days. Steve planned his trip to coincide with CNY so he got to meet the whole family in Penang and the rest in KL. He dug into whatever we put in front of him with gusto. Thought he was really brave until I found out that he had brought along a ‘tummy armor’ and was popping those before each meal. Still he did us proud. Not once but twice we went for durians and he loved the durian cakes. He also learned to play Mahjong and did pretty well. Talk about beginner’s luck. At Uncle Teik Ee’s he had the opportunity to entertain us with his singing err I think he was singing… :)

Your brother will return to Liverpool to continue with his PhD. The other good news is that he received a distinction for his Masters so we’re all very proud of his achievements. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he’ll receive enough funding so that he can fully concentrate on his research and not worry about making ends meet. I can imagine how proud you are of how far his come as well.

Love, mom

Determined that 2009 should be a good year all round

This time of year is hard for me and while I try not to let it get to me it does. I thought I did a pretty good job of containing my emotional stress but this morning as I was driving into my office car park, the thought of again starting the year without you hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up brawling my heart out in the car. It was a good thing nobody was about.

It was not a good way to start the year, I know. My good friend Kathi and I were just toasting to everything good last night at dinner and that thought managed to filter through, reminding me that I should also remember to count my lucky stars. Familiar faces raced through my mind and it dawned on me the sacred truth of having a strong network of family and friends. I could not have gone through losing you if not for their love and support. . . It struck me that I should let them know and so I did. I penned a short note to this effect.

You are not here with me but in your place, you have sent me many angels. I know we are all individuals and different and handle these emotional traumas in diverse ways. I understand and appreciate the fact that some find it uncomfortable in such situations. But each person I came into contact with helped to lit the path in front of me. Each in their unique way.

I still miss you very much…

Love, Mom

It's Grown

Yesterday morning, I was in the back garden when something caught my eye. The oil palm plant you gave me has grown, yes finally! You gave me the plant in May 2005 before you left for the States and told me it was a rare specie. I planted it in thinking it will grow quickly but for the longest time it hardly grew. So you can imagine how excited I was when I noticed the leaves have grown longer and the trunk taller! I even talked to the plant, expressing my pleasure at seeing it blossom into a nice little tree. Thank you for the nice present.
aunty choo choo

At my side

On Friday morning, I went for a surgical procedure to patch the hole in my ear drum. When I woke up past 5pm, I thought about you. I know you will be there for me, waiting to take me home like you did the last time I was at Pantai Hospital. I miss you so much.

aunty choo choo

Messages

Of late, I have been dreaming dreams that I know holds some message. I know this when I can recall what they are upon wakefulness. However these recent ones are different in this respect.

I can’t seem to recall the events in these dreams. Just a lingering feeling that I need to understand these messages and that they are important for my well being. Occasionally a fragment of the dream may drift into my thoughts but before I could grasp its content, its gone. Like a whiff of smoke, it slips past my fingers and disappears into thin air.

It is believed that our dreams are a way for our conscious minds to process and understand what our unconscious self knows to be true. Maybe there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now but then again this is not new.

Last Sunday, I had an unpleasant experience that left me feeling naked, stripped of my defenses and vulnerable. I was in a state of shocked for a while and at that moment, I also felt very alone….

Never a bother

I woke up sobbing this morning... triggered by what you said to CS in my dream.

Try as I may, it still escapes my consciousness what it was you were trying to get him to do. All I know is that it has something to do with his studies. You were trying to coach or guide him in the right direction and both CS and I knew it. But somehow he is slow in responding and I may have something to do with it. You repeated it several times telling him that if he did as told, you would never bother him again.

"I will never bother you again".... was embedded in my waking thoughts. The realization that you were not here was so overwhelming that I just burst out crying. As wakefulness begun to set in, my pragmatic self took over. I searched to remember your message but without success.

Your brother's interview for his PhD application is scheduled for Oct 22 and I am thinking that you may be trying to get something across. We are very proud of him and I am sure you are too. Only 5 were short listed out of more than 30 applicants.

What could the message in my dream be? Was there one? Will you please come back tonight and tell me....?

Hope

What is wholesomeness without modesty and respectability, fulfillment without dignity and respect?
What is giving without generosity and meaning, happiness without contentment and joy?
What is life without passion and excitement, love without sacrifice and surrender?

And so many drift aimless, stumbling blindly in search of what they know not
Theory and reality co-mingled and entwined, unraveling slowly but only for a few
The lessons in life are bitter sweet, the path is rock-strewn and the direction is uncertain
But surely for the few who perseveres, faith abound bidding farewell to despair

It is an imperfect world and by decree a flawed existence and not by choice
And so we call on Hope and Sanguinity to lend a helping hand, to shed some light at the end of the tunnel
The coming of the dawn brings sunshine or so the expectation, overcoming Anguish and Misery
But there is no guarantee, only faith and a commitment to stay the path with the hand fate has dealt
And in the end, find solace in the conviction that life is precious and to be cherished

Happy Birthday from A.Choo Choo

I want to wish you a happy birthday. I miss you.

Work has been crazy and we've been firefighting all day but I was always thinking about you. Tried calling mum but the phone was engaged. I'll try again tomorrow.

ACC

Happy birthday

We raised our glasses last night
And wished you happy birthday
You would have been thirty three
Today
How can we ever stop wondering
What it would have been like
If you were here
Eating your mother's prawn mee
By the bowls
Drinking the best Shiraz your mother could buy
Why can't we comprehend
The emptiness of your absence
Why can't we settle
Our nights into a dreamless sleep
And move through each moment, each day, each year
Seamlessly
Without hungering for your smile
Without weeping for your touch

Looking to this Day!

http://meiphingsep151975todec282005.shutterfly.com/
As your birthday draws closer, the feeling of hollowness and facing a world without you increases in magnitude. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to grief and I know you want for me to be happy. I think I've achieved happiness to a certain extend or at least on the surface. I go through the mechanics of living. I do enjoy the company of friends and the various activities that keep me challenged and engaged. But underneath it all, the sadness remains.. Lately I've started thinking about happiness and what that means. Quite amazingly, there are quite a few definitions of happiness. One especially struck a cord with my own philosophy and that of the way you've lived your life. Here’s a toast to life, the way it should be lived… And I will do my best to live every second like it was my last one…

“Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day! Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!”

................... Kalidasa

Celebrating MP's life Episode2

November 2007 was the 1st episode toward making some meaningful effort at celebrating your life. Almost a year has passed and your birthday is coming up again. So far my effort had not been much to shout about but I guess when it comes from the heart, a little goes a long way.

After the 1st visit to the village, I had the opportunity to lend Reiter's OA cause a hand. I had gone to the 'Gerai' to pick up some gift ideas for my trip to the US. When I was at her stall, a customer was interested in one of the larger wood carvings which was in storage in Hartamas so I volunteered to go get it for her and did. I also ended up spending more than a 100 bucks on gifts for friends. Recently I picked up some items for myself. Guess my accessories will now be more ethnic than ever...

More recently, I donated on behalf of a friend to the chinese earthquake victims amounting to more than 1K (not sure if this counts even if I made the call). I also suggested a blood donation campaign as one of the activities for our community projects and this was realized yesterday. Happy to say the turn out was good and we hit our target and collected more than 100 bags (350 ml each). And yes, this time I had enough blood to contribute my share...:)

The next project is to see if we can create some awareness for the OA and the challenges they face. I am excited at the prospect of doing a little more for these people ...
http://www.wildasia.net/main.cfm?page=article&articleID=267

Living the moment

I did wonder if I should wear the kebaya that I had worn for your graduation but felt it may be too formal given that your brother had already said no dress code. So instead I put on a summer dress and almost froze for my vanity. Good thing I had the good sense to bring along a jacket and silk scarve. These did the trick and kept me warm. Auntie Choo2 kept warm in a borrowed winter coat from Dorcus.. :)

We took a road trip to Scotland and I was and still am pretty surprised that your brother and I did not fight even once. We drove up to Edinburgh then to Inverness (did not see any monster) and then on to the Isle of Skye before heading back to Liverpool. Edinburgh is a really beautiful city with all its old majestic looking buildings and quaint alley ways. In terms of scenery, I would have to say the Skye won hands down. Rolling hills, green green meadows and cliffs dropping into tap clear water and super clean beaches. My only regret was not having planned for a dip. However we made up for it at a little town called Mallag. We were also up close and personal with the train used in the Harry Porter movies. Your brother was so excited.

Throughout the entire trip, I kept feeling your presence. The thought of living the moment for you was always hovering in my mind. Not sure if I fully understand the rationale, just one of those things I suppose. You would have enjoyed every minute of this trip just like you did everything else that came your way.

Like Pheng says, we are not quite ready to let you go... and so we cling on to your memory.

A Day To Be Proud Of

You would be proud to know that your brother Chean Shen has graduated with a major in micro-electronic engineering on 22 July. He is the only one in John Moores University to hold the degree in this field. Your mom and I were at the Liverpool Anglican Cathedral, where the graduation ceremony was held, to share this proud moment with him. We were so happy when we saw him went up on stage to receive his scroll. And oh, before I forget, Chean Shen's girlfriend, Dorcus, joined us with her parents to take some pictures. It was a very pleasant day with temperatures hovering around 16 degrees celcius but the wind factor makes it seemed much colder. In the evening, your mom hosted a dinner at Chean Shen's place to celebrate the happy occasion. Chean Shen is sharing a house with Dorcus and Elaine, who had their graduation ceremony on the following day. Needless to say, we showed up the next day to share the happy moment with them, and again took lots of pictures. I couldn't help thinking of the time when we attended your graduation ceremony and I had to borrow a cardigan to cover my bare shoulders not knowing UKM has a strict dress code. In Liverpool, there's no such restriction. How I wish you could be with us.
Your loving aunty choo choo

Moving On...

This past Sunday, I spent the day lazing around… doing nothing. Then at about 3pm, it started to rain. I have always been very excited about the rain and so I thought… good opportunity to go into the bedroom for a nap.

I dreamt of Mei Phing. In my dream, I moved into a bungalow on Penang Hill, I was alone as Mom & Dad was away in Singapore. After staying there… for not sure how long, MP came into the picture. She seems to be staying with me and she would be chatting away. I don’t know what we chatted about but we were always talking. All thru this time, I was thinking… but MP is dead… she can’t be talking to me. Why was she behaving like she is not dead?

Then Mom came back and I told Mom about MP being around and chatting with me as if she is not aware that she had passed away. I asked Mom what we should do. We need to help MP move on. So, Mom said, since I was the only one who could see her and talk to her, that I should tell her that she had died.

So, I quickly went looking for MP knowing that is the right thing to do. But, I was filled with so much sadness that I had trouble telling her that she had passed away. I struggled and cried so hard but I finally managed to get the words out.

Without saying a word, she smiled at me, in her usual mischievous smile… telling me that the joke is on me coz she already knows. Then I cried even harder, not believing that she can play such a cruel joke on me.

Then she said, “It is OK, I have all of you in my heart always and I can see that everyone has moved on very well”. I was so frustrated and sad, so I yelled back, “Noooooo!!!! We are all just good at pretending to be moving on!” I was so emotionally charged that I woke up at that moment. My cheeks were wet from crying in my dream. In the following moments, I realised that the only way I can ever chat with MP again is in my dreams … the sense of loss is so overwhelming… I cried even harder awake.

I really wonder how can we ever really move on, when the loss is so great and overwhelming that I don’t really know how or where to start moving on? Well, the only way really, I guess… is to start by pretending we are moving on and someday (hopefully soon), we realized that we have indeed moved on. And when that day comes, we can stop pretending. That’s when we can think of her with beautiful memories and without our hearts breaking all over again.

I do believe this is Mei Phing’s way of telling me to stop pretending that she away in the U.S. and deal with her death by making me say it in my dream. It is a painful and cruel way but I guess the best treatment for denial is shock treatment!! Hehehe… Thanks MP, for the wake-up call!