Navigating in Murky Surroundings

Wikipedia defines a compass as a navigational instrument for finding directions ...

I suppose our 'sense of direction' is an inbuilt navigational device, that helps us find our way around on a daily basis.

In one dream, I found myself in a huge car park lot looking for somebody who was supposed to give me a ride. After looking around for a while and just as panic started to kick in, I found your cousins Cheng and Pheng. In that instance, the thought that it wasn't you waiting for me drifed into my mind. In that same thought was the knowledge that if it was you waiting for me, you would have spotted me as soon as I got to the car park because it would be like you to be looking out for me or for anyone else for that matter.

Yesterday, I had another dream. Not much different in context, just a different setting and different players. This time, I managed to get lost and found myself in some part of Penang that was not familiar. Just as I was trying to figure out how to get out of this place, you showed up. Needless to say, I was elated that you were there. Your sense of direction was always good. But in the next instance you were nowhere to be found. I kept pressing the speed dial on my phone to call you but each time, I could not get through.

People say that our dreams reflect our conscious experience. I am begining to realize just how much I had depended on you. You were my rock and now I find myself having to find my way without a navigational tool. Every now and then, an emptiness and sense of lose hits me and I spiral into a deep abyss of depression.

Dream of you today.

You just came back from somewhere, you brought some ppl with you. I kinda have the feeling it's your partner. Indian + kuai lo i think with a shorter fat bro. We're running around the shopping complex. I remember eating in kfc and talking about what a remarkable recovery you had. Then there was a flash, a group picture, i had an indian girl fwen? maybe my personality would have been different if you were still around? Then i can't recall much in between, but it's mainly normal everyday stuff anyway. Anyway the last flash was mom crying. She is crying because you are not here. And i woke up crying because it was just a dream.

I think the dream prepresented what would it be like if you were still around.

You would have been 32 yesterday. So very young to be a memory... but a memory is all I have to keep me going.

Since the funeral, I had not returned to the temple where your remains are housed. This was by choice as I want to believe that you are free from any earthly bounds. However, lately, I have been asking myself if I should go.

As your birthday drew nearer, I thought a lot about what we would do to celebrate your life. That part I was adamant to doing. The question was how. I had thought about donating to a charitable organization in your name but have not concluded as to which one.

The easy part was looking for your favourite food. 2 days back, CS and I ended up at a Japanese Restaurant at Plaza Damas. They had a membership concept very similar to Sushi King. When I was filling up the form, I included your name and bday in the form, thinking we may want to go back there for your bday.

Well we ended up trying a new place in town for lunch. This was a specialty shop offering roasted streaky pork. Really good and really oily just the way you would have liked it. For dinner we had take home Sweet and Sour Crabs coz your aunty Choo2 wanted to watch her favourite football team play.

I keep reminding myself that you are in a better place but its still very hard. I can't help missing you and still can't quite shake off the feeling of disbelieve..

Remembering you

We (your mom, Chean Shen and aunty choo2) wanted to spend your birthday the way you might have. We ended up at Times Square after lunch at Jalan Imbi which you would have enjoyed; char siu fun. At Times Square, your mom recalled spending an evening there with you and Chean Shen. If I recalled correctly, you wanted to pick up a book at Borders with your mom's book voucher which she didn't have it with her then. Yes, before I forget, Chean Shen is back from the UK for his school break. He will be returning to the UK end of the month to continue with his Masters. He ran into a little bit of problem getting a place to stay as his so-called landlady turned out to be a fraudster. He lost some money but I remembered his very first words were: `I wish my sis were here. She would have known what to do'. So touching.
Anyway, we spent a quiet evening having some chilly crabs, another of your favorite dish, from a place you had been in Kepong. We all miss you very much.
your loving aunty choo2

Postcard from Liverpool

Dear Mei Phing
You would have been pleased to know that I visited your brother Chean Shen in Liverpool last week. We met up on Friday morning at Marybone (pronounced as Marybond as in Bond, James Bond) where he stays with his 5 other collegemates from TAR. He has settled in comfortably, likes the weather and enjoys campus life so much so as to put on some weight. We took a walk, probably more than 30 minutes, to the Liverpool Football Club stadium famously called Anfield. We took a guided tour of the museum and stadium and enjoyed every minute of it taking alot of pictures naturally. When we were done, we made a dash for lunch as rain threatened. Sadly, I had to call it a day after spending some 20 minutes in Chean Shen's room waiting for him to download some pictures for me to bring home to your mum. as I was lying on his bed, i looked up and saw the letter 99 pasted on the ceiling. i asked him what it means and it turns out to be the inspiration for him to get first class honors! I am proud of him, so would you be. Wished you were here.
I miss you.
your loving aunty choo2

Sharing the good news

Mei Phing

Chean Shen has just got his Advanced Diploma in Electrical Engineering and is on his way to the University of Liverpool to finish his degree. Your brother worked very hard for this. We are all so proud of him, so would you be. We know you had always wanted him to do well. Wished you were here to share the joy with us. Miss you very much.

aunty choo choo

Chinese New Year for MP

The mall was packed with shoppers getting ready for the coming Chinese New Year. New clothes and shoes are the order of the day and for some people, new hair dos. For MP, a pair of new shoes is a must. Wearing new shoes on the first day of the CNY was symbolic of avoiding “nasty” people.

Another tradition was the giving and receiving of “ang pows”. This is an old Chinese tradition. Married couples are expected to give an “ang pow” to those who are still single regardless of their age. Needless to say, .this tradition was a favorite with MP.

Like a kid she would gleefully accept an “ang pow” regardless of the monetary value. I think it was really the process that appeals to her. This year the first day of the year will fall on the 18th of Feb.

The season will never be the same without her but some things need not change. Yes Mei Phing, mom will continue to give you an “ang pow” every year. I will always love you and you will always be in my heart.

Celebrating a Life

When a friend sent me a message about `the reality clock' I immediately thought of you. The message is essentially about living a life that matters; life is not just about making money, but more importantly life is about making a lasting impact on others. You reminded me very much of someone who had lived a life that made an immediate impression on others in the way you showed kindness to those that you have just met once; in the way you found time for family and friends and in the way you showed appreciation for things you receive in life.

I really miss you. your aunty Choo Choo.

Tonight,we are going to celebrate your life. Mom, Chean Shen, Lie Hui and I are going to your favourite restaurant and we want to toast your life.

Link to Mei Phing's pictures

For more of Mei Phing's Pictures go to
http://meiphingsep151975todec282005.shutterfly.com/

September 15

Yesterday was a memorable day for my family as it was MP's birthday. She was a tiny baby, barely weighing 6 lbs but she was so beautiful. She stole our hearts from day one. She was always such a doll literally. Friends and relatives would come back from the Shopping Mall claiming that they saw a child mannequin that looked exactly like MP. She was loved by everybody around her for not only was she so pretty and adorable, she was also enchanting




MP met life head on with a big heart, appreciative of what life had to offer and respect for everyone around her. She had always followed her heart and as she grew older and wiser, she also began to embrace the 5 precepts of Buddhism. She was not fanatical about the practice but did her best where it counted the most. She was never too busy for her friends or family when they needed her. Her supportive, non judgmental and cheery disposition created a strong pull for people around her and so they gravitate towards her like metal to a magnet.

Back in Penang where she was born and raised, her best friends remembered this day with prayers by Buddhist Monks. Here in Kuala Lumpur where I now call home, my family remembered her birthday with a gathering. We drank wine with Max’s home cooked spaghetti Bolognese and topped it off with my experimental New York baked cheese cake. All of these were some of MP’s favorites. She loved to eat and enjoyed everything without reserve and she was always very appreciative of whatever she was offered.

What happened to MP broke my heart and there is not a single day that I wished this was all just a bad dream. In order for my heart to start the healing process, I must accept what has happened and I am trying. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to be thankful that MP was ever in my life and that she had lived life to the fullest …… She came, she saw and she conquered …

Void

The Ghost Festival started a couple days back. The Chinese believe that every year during the Chinese 7th lunar month, spirits are free to roam this earthly habitat as they please for 30 days.
It is a tradition in my family and many other families to pray and make offerings to the dearly departed during this period. I had done my share of this as well until now. Now that MP has joined the ranks of the dearly departed, I struggle with myself what to believe. On the one hand I want so much to have a chance to ask her why she had to go, was it really her time, was there something we could have done different? But on the other hand, I also want to believe that she’s with god. At least for my sanity I have to believe that she’s isn’t hanging around here but happy in heaven or already reborn to a good family who loves her and cherish her as we do.

When MP died, a part of me died too. I know that I must be thankful that I have my son and my family who are here for me and I am grateful for their support but my heart won’t heal. As much as I try not to, I still feel the void. People say that time will heal all wounds and I suppose it will but I have a feeling that this won’t apply to me, at least not in this lifetime.

MP would have been 31 years old in 48 days. Never in my entire life did I ever imagine life without her. We grew up together and I had always taken it for granted that we would grow old together as well. I have been trying to find my own way for the last couple of months and I am still lost.

Understanding

We had lunch today, Guat Tin and I. It was a noisy busy Indian restaurant, brimming over with life. Food piling up on every banana leaf on every table. People eating too much and talking too much. I said to Guat Tin, you've lost weight. She said, ya, no appetite and I keep waking up at night.

Just over 3 months since Mei Phing left us, and the grief lies below the surface of our lives. Shimmering and simmering like a silent boil. Shading every second of our existence. Slanting the hours of our everyday in ways we cannot completely comprehend.

And so, we shuffle along and speaking of the strange symptoms which have taken a hold of us, we hope to find some solace, some redemption for the cruel state of affairs which has overtaken our lives.

It is the state of being human that we grapple forever with the lack of understanding and clarity about our place in the larger scheme of things. Even on hindsight. But sometimes, it is the only comfort we can truly gain when we finally accept that we can never really know everything, neither change things to become the way they used to be.

How do you mark time

The brightness of her eyes
And the way her lips turn
Just as it parts
Into a smile

The timbre of her voice
Her mock serious tone
Which dissolves into laughter
To tell you its a joke, its a joke

The figure by the door
Outlined
Her favoured t-shirt
And the way her hair falls over her face

This is how you mark the moments
Of your day

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
……EE Cummings

To Mei Phing with love from Dad

Whether we like it or not, we have to accept the facts that you are gone for 49 days. Everyday we are sure to think of you not a day passes without missing you Upon yesterday's prayer day and night for your journey to Heaven, we know you arrived and watching over us from Heaven's window
sharing in our joy and sorrows.

Because you are the most beautiful person we all know
so surely you'll put in a good word to God for us while you're there. Instead of wishing you happy Valentines Day yesterday We wish you all the greatness in Heaven With precious memories of you stay clearly forever in our heart to be treasured.
Dearly missed & fondly remember by all of us

Remembering MeiPhing by Ooi Guat Tin (Aunty Choo2)

Today is the 49th day since Mei Phing passed away. some Chinese believe that the 49th day is the day that the spirits of the deceased will visit their love ones. today is also Valentine's day; the coincidence is not lost on us. We love her and miss her very much. To remember Mei Phing for her kindness, selflessness to families and friends, and her appreciation for everything she has received, I have made a donation to some charities in her name on this special day.

Remembering

It's Chinese New Year today. Another turning of the year, the lunar year. I remember my mother whom I lost in April, and Mei Phing who left us just before the year ended in 2005. It's times like these we miss the ones we love acutely. I suppose so much of our memories of each other are also bound by occasions, and when they leave us, each occasion will wash us over with the times we shared meals, laughter and talking. We miss the warmth of their smiles, the sound of their voices, their laughter as they hurried to tell a tale, to share a joke. We miss holding them and saying how much we love them this Chinese New Year. Someone once said to me, they will always be with you now, in spirit. Being human, we yearn otherwise, wanting always it to be the way it was.

UNFORGETABLE IMPRESSION

Posted on behalf of Desmond Yew :

Hi Wendy,

I’ve had the privilege of knowing your daughter and although we only met on several occasions, she has left an unforgettable impression on me. Her style and enthusiasm still reverberates in my mind. I’m also deeply saddened by her passing and cannot imagine the grief you must be feeling.

When I hear news of my friends who have lost a loved one, I usually have some words of comfort but in this case, I am speechless. And this is not the first time that MP has done this…. Leaving someone speechless. That just shows the impact she had on the people she interacted with.

This acts as a reminder to all of us how much life really means to us and those who love us. You must find courage from her shadow and look upon this as an opportunity to say thank you for the way she has brightened all our lives. She would want you, and all her friends, to pledge ourselves to live life like she had.

Desmond

On Death

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
From Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet

JUST MEI PHING

Mei Phing’s friends, cousins and relatives want pictures of her. Not just the recent ones but the ones of her growing up so I started to sort out all the pictures we had taken. It never occurred to me that I would have to sieve through more than 2000 pictures. I set out to chronicle these pictures and as it turned out, it was easier to tell the photos apart when she was younger but once she turned 17, she basically stayed the same. People always think she’s 18. There is a refreshing innocence in the way she enjoys everything she experiences. Memories of all the happy and fun times we had, captured on film. Wish we could find a video with her voice though.

She was a small baby of 6 lbs, so delicate and beautiful. Such a bundle of joy and smiled a lot. Yep, she was a happy child and this sunny disposition stayed with her throughout her growing up years and right up to the time of her death. She is always cracking a joke and making people around her laugh. Even on the day she was admitted into Carle, she was joking with the attending physician. The account was related to me by her friend Todd who was with her at the time. After the initial examination, the doctor told MP that she would have to remove her pants, she retorted with "that will cost you”.... Her 'tongue in cheek' retorts were witty and she spins them out without much effort. Like her cousin sister SweePea says, no holds bared, mom included. Wish I could recall more of the jokes she used to entertain us with but those of you who know how forgetful MP is now knows where she got it from.

I sent MP to a Chinese medium school for 12 years from primary through completion of her secondary education. She was president of the Jr Jaycees Club during her secondary years and core member of the English language debating team. Her team competed at the state level and went on to the finals beating teams from English medium schools. Of course this surprised a lot of people for it was incomprehensible that a team from a Chinese school could out perform hot favorites that were from English schools. MP loves a good debate and Ross had first hand experience of how passionate she can be if she wanted to pick a ‘fight’.

Throughout her student days, from primary to college, she competed and won many medals on the track and field. Running was her forte. And now she's outrun all of us. With so many things on her plate, it’s a wonder where she gets her energy. Well I guess her teachers would have this answer for she takes her naps in class. You can’t begin to count how many times I had to listen to her teachers complain about her sleeping in class, yes stretched out across her desk. Her teachers were of course dumbfounded when she scored 6As and a B for a major grade exam.

She enrolled in the Malaysian Army Reserve Unit, completed all of the qualifying tests and was inaugurated by the King and Queen of Malaysia to the rank of 2nd Lieutenant. Not bad for a petite girl. I like to tease her about this as she’s the smallest in our family of 4 and she would always tell me that ‘good things come in small packages’. Not only did she complete the obstacle races in training, in one instance she went back on the monkey bars and helped a team mate cross. This is just one example of how she never thought twice about helping others.

I was not quite an adult myself when I was pregnant with MP so her dad and I had actually considered giving her up for adoption. Of course this idea very quickly flew out the window the minute we held her in our arms. She won her way into our hearts with her smile. What horrors!!! Life would simply have been so boring and dull without her. It never fails to fascinate me how expressive her eyes were. She was beautiful in and out and smart too… Beauty with brains and a great personality to boot…what a combination. Like Cheng said we are all so proud of her. I could not have asked for more in a daughter and as I go through the pictures nothing of what happened makes any sense.