An unforgettable evening

This morning as we were walking to the gym, Raj commented that I have not posted anything on Mei Phing's blog since New Year's eve. Yeah, I admitted rather sheepishly, and remarked that every time I posted some thing it was to remember Mei Phing and the tone was usually sad and depressing. Raj suggests writing some thing more cheerful or about an experience that has made a lasting impact. Ah, the general elections, I exclaimed.

On Sat. night, 8 Mar, I had some friends over to pop champaign just in case the Opposition parties turn in a better performance than in the 2004 general elections. Ah Fook showed up at 6pm, earlier that we expected, just as your mom and I were starting to prepare a simple dinner. Anyway, resourceful as we are, we managed to cook up a dinner for 4 when Seng Keong (our Dr Chua), a close friend of Ah Fook and Raj decided to skip his $100 per person dinner to join us.

By 8pm, our party has begun with Raj and Narissa, and Alex and wife popping the corks and munching pizza and tidbits. By 9pm, unconfirmed results from online Malaysiakini started what promised to be a night of shocking defeat for BN and a landslide win for the Opposition parties. Imagine sms were also flying in all directions from friends more than happy to share the results. I got one sms that said Pg chief minister Koh Su Koon OUT; indeed Penang was the first state to fall to the Opposition with DAP forming the state government. We almost woke up the neighborhood with echoes of `yum seng' or `cheers'!! As the night progressed, BN had lost 3 other states, Kedah, Perak and Selangor, and retained Kelantan with a bigger majority. Some of us who had contributed to the funding campaign for Dr Jeyakumar who stood against a seemingly invincible Samy Vellu felt vindicated as he won, even if by a slim majority. Another chorus of `cheers'; our voice hoarse by then. By midnight, the Malaysiakini website had jammed up unable to cope with the overwhelming demand. We had by then hooked up with Chean Shen who was also monitoring the results from UK. He was as excited as we were. Ah Fook, Alex and wife had left by midnight but the rest of us were still monitoring the results from the TV stations, and amused ourselves by making jokes at some dour-looking BN officials at the press conference. The final verdict was that BN nearly lost its two-thirds majority if not for help from Sabah and Sarawak. Never have you seen me so animated and awake at 3am! To sacrifice my sleep was all worth it; the results speak for themselves. And to cap it all, Liverpool beat Newcastle 3-0 in the wee hours of Sunday morning!

Void that can't be filed

Somedays are just harder not to miss you and feel sad. Today is one of them. Now and then the realization that I can't reach out and touch you or call you for a chat sinks in and hits me like a ton of bricks.

At times like this, there is no escaping the heart wrenching pain that coarse through every fibre of my being. And so I succumb to the need to brawl my heart out in misery and self pity.

Its been 25 and a half months since that fateful day when you left us in such a hurry. Nothing much has changed except for the void you left behind.....

Two years passed since MP left us but her contribution to society will live on. I was always very proud of her achievements and still am. I came across some of her work and thought it befitting to share them here.

Everyday is a struggle to find meaning and not be consumed by self pity at losing my daughter. I am getting so much better at this. The fact that I was able to participate in the recent xmas festivities was a major improvement. Now the CNY draws near and I am reminded again that MP is not gonna be around. I miss my girl....

http://lifesciencesweek.rnet.missouri.edu/LSWindex/documents/pdf/brechenmacherl@1.doc.pdf

http://lifesciencesweek.rnet.missouri.edu/LSWindex/documents/pdf/brc4yd@1.doc.pdf

http://www.ejbiotechnology.info/content/vol9/issue2/full/3/bip/index.html

http://www.scielo.cl/fbpe/img/ejb/v8n1/a06/bip/

Liverpool with CS Dec2007

Well I arrived in Manchester and hang around for a couple hours before hoping onto a train heading for Liverpool. This was Dec 14 and according to your brother very well timed as he was sitting for his last paper.

After being so used to the heated buildings in the US, I was caught off guard at the relatively colder temperatures within the buildings. Parked myself in one of the cafes while waiting for your brother and while it was better than standing in the middle of the station, it was still cold. I had to keep my jacket, gloves and hat on.

CS suggested renting a car for a road trip but I was kinda lazy and really just wanted to spend time with him. So we ended up spending a lot of time shopping. Some winter clothing for him and Dorcus. Mostly we shopped in the nearby malls except for a day trip to the Cheshire Factory Outlets.

Your brother is doing pretty good. You will proud to know that he is working part-time to supplement his expenses. His first odd job was toilet cleaning, then sweeping the stadium. His third job was that of a store keeper. Although it was a temp position, it was with a huge catalog/wharehouse retailer so the experience was good. More recently he’s found himself a regular part-time job writing machine manuals. Plus he’s with a girlfriend who obviously adores him.

And oh, I am so impressed with his landlord. Surprise, surprise!!... Chris is Malaysian and an ENT surgeon training to be a consultant. Real estate is his fall back plan and he’s also pretty handy around the house, diy quite a bit of the interior fixtures. He took us out dancing at a Latin club on my birthday and guess what? He’s also an accomplished Latin dancer. We met two more medical practitioners from Msia. One is a Kidney consultant while the other an Eye surgeon. Makes me proud to be Msian.

Anyway the week flew by really fast and soon it was time to fly out to Chicago.

''Sins''

It is fitting that I spend new year's eve listening to my favorite operatic tune; this one is a gem lost more than two years ago, and if not for Youtube I wouldn't be listening to it right now. The music video I'm referring to is the Cantonese operatic tune sang by the late Anita Mui at a charity concert to help the China flood victims in 1991. I had taped the event together with a cantonese opera movie called the `three smiles'. Those days, you, Saw Hong and I used to watch the tape every time you visit because `three smiles' is a comedy opera movie and you like comedies. Before the tape finishes, we would listen to Anita Mui singing the ''Sins'', a lament about paying the sins for a hard life and its accompanying poverty. Some call it the beggar's song. Sang beautifully by Anita Mui, the song evokes a sense of despair and inevitability about fate in life. One day, I threw away the tape not because I grew tired of it but it was destroyed by mold and moss as humidity set in. For the last two years, I was thinking about the tape and recall how much fun we had watching it together. Two weeks ago, Lady Luck smiled on me. A colleague of mine who is also an Anita Mui fan forwarded me the link to Youtube showing the video clip of the charity concert! I was naturally thrilled, but if only momentarily as the reality of you not being here to share it with me sank in. To think that we always hang out together on new year's eve, this moment is the hardest to accept.

What a year!

2007 has been a good year, although it didn't quite start as well at work. I lost my boss and half the research team, but somehow we still managed to produce some decent work. We moved to the 9th floor end Sept. and I had great pleasure setting up the new wing and the team settled in very nicely. I have a cosy corner where I have a complete view of my team-mates. Since we moved up, I have been happier with my team and work as we are left alone to do our job even though we are still short of staff. It's been very tough to find people in booming Singapore where unemployment has been the lowest for decades. Cost of living is fast rising as housing rentals and taxi fares zoomed up. Still, I prefer working in Singapore than KL with its never-ending traffic problems.
Outside work, I'm learning how to relax and stay fit by going to the gym 3x a week. Sat. morning is when I work out with a personal trainer (hmmm, he's got a great build with 6 packs) who literally pushes me to the limit, ignoring my moaning and groaning when the pain becomes unbearable. I have lost 4-5kg since I took up gym and now weigh between 50-51kg. looks like i have to get a new wardrobe!
A few weeks ago, your mom came by on her way to the UK and US. I took half a day off to spend some time with her and in the evening, Raj and I celebrated her birthday at Original Sin where the food is rated *****. She will be spending about 5 days with Chean Shen in Liverpool before flying off to Illinois to see Ross. Oh, and Li Huey was home for two weeks. We talked over the phone and I was pleased to know that she is doing well; finished her Masters and starting her doctorate program.
While it has been a good year, nothing is the same without you. Sometimes we just do things to get by. I really miss you very much.
aunty choo2

Celebrating MP's Life - Episode 1

10th November 2007 marked the 1st event to celebrate life in a way that I thought you would have continued living your life. Aunty Choo2 and I drove with Reiter to an Orang Asli village located on Carey Island to bring back some of their craft to KL. It took us under 11/2 hours to reach the Island but more than 3 hours returning. This was due to the roadblocks that were set up to try and stop the 'clean election' march by the opposition. Well even with the roadblocks and rain, more than 40 thousand supporters managed to get through.

On this trip, we brought back a wooden carving that had been ordered by an individual. Pretty good work. It had a hand holding up an interlocking chain. The hand was resting on a head that looked somewhat like the face of a dragon with a free moving pearl in its open mouth. All these were carved from a single piece of wood. The other items are their regular produce which is offered for sale at specially set up OA craft stalls manned by volunteers. 100% of the proceeds go back to the artisans.

Some of the women were already gathered at the craft center with their ware while a couple more drifted in soon after we arrived. Reiter had informed them of our arrival so they were expecting us. Still there was a sense of excitement and they appeared genuinely happy to see us. After threading our way through a muddy patch, we were ushered into the craft center and invited to sit on a hand woven mat that was reserved for visitors.

We were offered tea and a share of the snacks that Reiter brought for them. So while we seeped tea and admired the pieces of woven craft on by these people, Reiter went about accomplishing her task. First she handed out some over the counter medicinal supplies such as panadol, antihistamines, thermal plaster and Chinese ointment or 'Hong Eu'. Then it was payout time. Reiter pays the artisans 50% of what they want for their ware upon collection and then another 50% after the sale. This way, she can spread the limited resources she has among the many villages that she is working with. After this is done, Reiter goes about itemizing the new stock she is bringing back on this trip and paying the artisans for the items collected.

With these tasks accomplished we packed the products into the trunk, bade farewell and was off to rejoin the hustle and bustle of the city but not before a nice lunch at a nearby seafood restaurant.

Lending a hand

Around MP's birthday I started thinking about how to commemorate her entry into our lives. I wanted to do something that she would approve of, something that would reflect her nature and true spirit..

My thoughts started to take the form of maybe donating to a charitable organization in her name. So step one of this project was accomplished, I knew the what but the 'how' and 'which' was not quite clear.

That was the extent of my effort ... stalled for lack of a creative idea that felt right. Then a little over a week ago, my friend Sze Ning told me about how poor many of the orang Asli community are. These people she tells me are the real 'hard core poor'. There are inidividuals who try to help these people but resources are limited and they rely directly on private donations.

In one example, a good samaritan brings whatever over the counter medical supplies and stationery to the villages whenever she can. I knew immediately that this was the 'how' and 'which' question that I was comteplating. MP had donated blood on a regular basis, not just 1x a year but up to 3x a year if she could and did. So when I heard about this activity, I could see MP getting involved. I can visualize her nodding her head in agreement....

http://www.wildasia.net/main.cfm?page=article&articleID=267 http://www.coac.org.my/codenavia/portals/coacv1/code/main/main_art.php?parentID=11374493258660&artID=11541437513190

Navigating in Murky Surroundings

Wikipedia defines a compass as a navigational instrument for finding directions ...

I suppose our 'sense of direction' is an inbuilt navigational device, that helps us find our way around on a daily basis.

In one dream, I found myself in a huge car park lot looking for somebody who was supposed to give me a ride. After looking around for a while and just as panic started to kick in, I found your cousins Cheng and Pheng. In that instance, the thought that it wasn't you waiting for me drifed into my mind. In that same thought was the knowledge that if it was you waiting for me, you would have spotted me as soon as I got to the car park because it would be like you to be looking out for me or for anyone else for that matter.

Yesterday, I had another dream. Not much different in context, just a different setting and different players. This time, I managed to get lost and found myself in some part of Penang that was not familiar. Just as I was trying to figure out how to get out of this place, you showed up. Needless to say, I was elated that you were there. Your sense of direction was always good. But in the next instance you were nowhere to be found. I kept pressing the speed dial on my phone to call you but each time, I could not get through.

People say that our dreams reflect our conscious experience. I am begining to realize just how much I had depended on you. You were my rock and now I find myself having to find my way without a navigational tool. Every now and then, an emptiness and sense of lose hits me and I spiral into a deep abyss of depression.

Dream of you today.

You just came back from somewhere, you brought some ppl with you. I kinda have the feeling it's your partner. Indian + kuai lo i think with a shorter fat bro. We're running around the shopping complex. I remember eating in kfc and talking about what a remarkable recovery you had. Then there was a flash, a group picture, i had an indian girl fwen? maybe my personality would have been different if you were still around? Then i can't recall much in between, but it's mainly normal everyday stuff anyway. Anyway the last flash was mom crying. She is crying because you are not here. And i woke up crying because it was just a dream.

I think the dream prepresented what would it be like if you were still around.

You would have been 32 yesterday. So very young to be a memory... but a memory is all I have to keep me going.

Since the funeral, I had not returned to the temple where your remains are housed. This was by choice as I want to believe that you are free from any earthly bounds. However, lately, I have been asking myself if I should go.

As your birthday drew nearer, I thought a lot about what we would do to celebrate your life. That part I was adamant to doing. The question was how. I had thought about donating to a charitable organization in your name but have not concluded as to which one.

The easy part was looking for your favourite food. 2 days back, CS and I ended up at a Japanese Restaurant at Plaza Damas. They had a membership concept very similar to Sushi King. When I was filling up the form, I included your name and bday in the form, thinking we may want to go back there for your bday.

Well we ended up trying a new place in town for lunch. This was a specialty shop offering roasted streaky pork. Really good and really oily just the way you would have liked it. For dinner we had take home Sweet and Sour Crabs coz your aunty Choo2 wanted to watch her favourite football team play.

I keep reminding myself that you are in a better place but its still very hard. I can't help missing you and still can't quite shake off the feeling of disbelieve..

Remembering you

We (your mom, Chean Shen and aunty choo2) wanted to spend your birthday the way you might have. We ended up at Times Square after lunch at Jalan Imbi which you would have enjoyed; char siu fun. At Times Square, your mom recalled spending an evening there with you and Chean Shen. If I recalled correctly, you wanted to pick up a book at Borders with your mom's book voucher which she didn't have it with her then. Yes, before I forget, Chean Shen is back from the UK for his school break. He will be returning to the UK end of the month to continue with his Masters. He ran into a little bit of problem getting a place to stay as his so-called landlady turned out to be a fraudster. He lost some money but I remembered his very first words were: `I wish my sis were here. She would have known what to do'. So touching.
Anyway, we spent a quiet evening having some chilly crabs, another of your favorite dish, from a place you had been in Kepong. We all miss you very much.
your loving aunty choo2

Postcard from Liverpool

Dear Mei Phing
You would have been pleased to know that I visited your brother Chean Shen in Liverpool last week. We met up on Friday morning at Marybone (pronounced as Marybond as in Bond, James Bond) where he stays with his 5 other collegemates from TAR. He has settled in comfortably, likes the weather and enjoys campus life so much so as to put on some weight. We took a walk, probably more than 30 minutes, to the Liverpool Football Club stadium famously called Anfield. We took a guided tour of the museum and stadium and enjoyed every minute of it taking alot of pictures naturally. When we were done, we made a dash for lunch as rain threatened. Sadly, I had to call it a day after spending some 20 minutes in Chean Shen's room waiting for him to download some pictures for me to bring home to your mum. as I was lying on his bed, i looked up and saw the letter 99 pasted on the ceiling. i asked him what it means and it turns out to be the inspiration for him to get first class honors! I am proud of him, so would you be. Wished you were here.
I miss you.
your loving aunty choo2

Sharing the good news

Mei Phing

Chean Shen has just got his Advanced Diploma in Electrical Engineering and is on his way to the University of Liverpool to finish his degree. Your brother worked very hard for this. We are all so proud of him, so would you be. We know you had always wanted him to do well. Wished you were here to share the joy with us. Miss you very much.

aunty choo choo

Chinese New Year for MP

The mall was packed with shoppers getting ready for the coming Chinese New Year. New clothes and shoes are the order of the day and for some people, new hair dos. For MP, a pair of new shoes is a must. Wearing new shoes on the first day of the CNY was symbolic of avoiding “nasty” people.

Another tradition was the giving and receiving of “ang pows”. This is an old Chinese tradition. Married couples are expected to give an “ang pow” to those who are still single regardless of their age. Needless to say, .this tradition was a favorite with MP.

Like a kid she would gleefully accept an “ang pow” regardless of the monetary value. I think it was really the process that appeals to her. This year the first day of the year will fall on the 18th of Feb.

The season will never be the same without her but some things need not change. Yes Mei Phing, mom will continue to give you an “ang pow” every year. I will always love you and you will always be in my heart.

Celebrating a Life

When a friend sent me a message about `the reality clock' I immediately thought of you. The message is essentially about living a life that matters; life is not just about making money, but more importantly life is about making a lasting impact on others. You reminded me very much of someone who had lived a life that made an immediate impression on others in the way you showed kindness to those that you have just met once; in the way you found time for family and friends and in the way you showed appreciation for things you receive in life.

I really miss you. your aunty Choo Choo.

Tonight,we are going to celebrate your life. Mom, Chean Shen, Lie Hui and I are going to your favourite restaurant and we want to toast your life.

Link to Mei Phing's pictures

For more of Mei Phing's Pictures go to
http://meiphingsep151975todec282005.shutterfly.com/

September 15

Yesterday was a memorable day for my family as it was MP's birthday. She was a tiny baby, barely weighing 6 lbs but she was so beautiful. She stole our hearts from day one. She was always such a doll literally. Friends and relatives would come back from the Shopping Mall claiming that they saw a child mannequin that looked exactly like MP. She was loved by everybody around her for not only was she so pretty and adorable, she was also enchanting




MP met life head on with a big heart, appreciative of what life had to offer and respect for everyone around her. She had always followed her heart and as she grew older and wiser, she also began to embrace the 5 precepts of Buddhism. She was not fanatical about the practice but did her best where it counted the most. She was never too busy for her friends or family when they needed her. Her supportive, non judgmental and cheery disposition created a strong pull for people around her and so they gravitate towards her like metal to a magnet.

Back in Penang where she was born and raised, her best friends remembered this day with prayers by Buddhist Monks. Here in Kuala Lumpur where I now call home, my family remembered her birthday with a gathering. We drank wine with Max’s home cooked spaghetti Bolognese and topped it off with my experimental New York baked cheese cake. All of these were some of MP’s favorites. She loved to eat and enjoyed everything without reserve and she was always very appreciative of whatever she was offered.

What happened to MP broke my heart and there is not a single day that I wished this was all just a bad dream. In order for my heart to start the healing process, I must accept what has happened and I am trying. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to be thankful that MP was ever in my life and that she had lived life to the fullest …… She came, she saw and she conquered …

Void

The Ghost Festival started a couple days back. The Chinese believe that every year during the Chinese 7th lunar month, spirits are free to roam this earthly habitat as they please for 30 days.
It is a tradition in my family and many other families to pray and make offerings to the dearly departed during this period. I had done my share of this as well until now. Now that MP has joined the ranks of the dearly departed, I struggle with myself what to believe. On the one hand I want so much to have a chance to ask her why she had to go, was it really her time, was there something we could have done different? But on the other hand, I also want to believe that she’s with god. At least for my sanity I have to believe that she’s isn’t hanging around here but happy in heaven or already reborn to a good family who loves her and cherish her as we do.

When MP died, a part of me died too. I know that I must be thankful that I have my son and my family who are here for me and I am grateful for their support but my heart won’t heal. As much as I try not to, I still feel the void. People say that time will heal all wounds and I suppose it will but I have a feeling that this won’t apply to me, at least not in this lifetime.

MP would have been 31 years old in 48 days. Never in my entire life did I ever imagine life without her. We grew up together and I had always taken it for granted that we would grow old together as well. I have been trying to find my own way for the last couple of months and I am still lost.

Understanding

We had lunch today, Guat Tin and I. It was a noisy busy Indian restaurant, brimming over with life. Food piling up on every banana leaf on every table. People eating too much and talking too much. I said to Guat Tin, you've lost weight. She said, ya, no appetite and I keep waking up at night.

Just over 3 months since Mei Phing left us, and the grief lies below the surface of our lives. Shimmering and simmering like a silent boil. Shading every second of our existence. Slanting the hours of our everyday in ways we cannot completely comprehend.

And so, we shuffle along and speaking of the strange symptoms which have taken a hold of us, we hope to find some solace, some redemption for the cruel state of affairs which has overtaken our lives.

It is the state of being human that we grapple forever with the lack of understanding and clarity about our place in the larger scheme of things. Even on hindsight. But sometimes, it is the only comfort we can truly gain when we finally accept that we can never really know everything, neither change things to become the way they used to be.