15 Sept 2025

 I was back in KL on Friday, 12 Sept. Apart from dinner with your cousins Pheng, Cheng, Ah boy, his wife Lisa and son Clarence, I spent most of the time gardening and chatting with mom. We miss you very much.

Happy birthday!

22 Aug 2025

 Ah teow passed away on Friday 22 Aug, which is also kor kor’s birthday. I came back to KL the next day to see Pheng, Cheng, ah Boy, Lisa and Clarence. We reminisced about ah teow who had touched our hearts in many ways. Ah teow had donated his body to the hospital teaching program and so there was no wake. I feel sad to lose a kind and caring brother in law. Miss you too.

July 19 wedding

 This morning, your brother Chean Shen married Rachel in a simple signing ceremony at the Moral Uplifting Society hall in Penang. Only immediate family members and close friends were invited to witness the occasion. The bride looked radiant in a white dress while the groom wore matching white shirt.

Looks like white is the flavor of the day as mom also wore a white outfit. As the signing ceremony came to a close, rings were exchanged. Very fittingly, Rachel wore the diamond ring that I gave you. 

 Wish you were here. We miss you.

Farewell to aunty Girly

 Aunty Girly passed away early Monday morning. Her funeral service is on Friday June 20. I’m flying in on Thursday morning for her wake and funeral. There is a complication though. Uncle Boo Eng is recovering from a broken leg in the hospital and has yet to be informed about aunty Girly. I feel so sad for him. 

ROM

 Your brother, Chean Shen, and Rachel are getting hitched in July. They are registering their marriage on Sat July 19 in Penang to be followed by a party in the evening. How I wish you could be there for your brother. We shall miss you very much. 

Love,

Aunty Choo Choo 

CNY 2025

CNY has become a pilgrimage for me; it’s a good time to see everyone. In KL, mom and I had our reunion dinner at Pheng’s place instead of going out. Pheng’s dad or Ah Teown as you called him hasn’t been well for some time. Old age is catching up on him. The next day, mom and I flew to Penang. Chean Shen picked us up but he didn’t seem well with an infected gum. Still, he managed to join us for our reunion dinner with uncle Boo Eng and family at his place. Age has caught up with uncle Boo Eng and he has some health issues which restrict his mobility. The next day, we did our usual rounds, visiting uncle Teik Ee (whom you called papa) at Milo’s place. I don’t think you’d met Milo, who is the youngest son of ‘papa’ and aunty Ah Eng.  I managed to squeeze in some time to visit Ah Yeu and Ah Bin whom I haven’t seen for 4 years. We had a great time catching up. On day two, mom hosted an open house, making spaghetti bologna and carbonara, which turned out pretty good; no wonder, Teng Hin’s son Nicholas and Teng Lye’s son Kar Vin went crazy with 3 rounds. As the sun sets, I was getting ready to head out to my biological brother’s place for a quick visit before heading to the airport. I reached Singapore at midnight, tired but happy that I’ve touched base with our families.

I miss you though.

December 2024

 The year is coming to a close but it’s never been easy for me to remember that you left us in a hurry on this day. For this reason, I’ve asked your brother to take mum to Sarawak for a holiday, otherwise she’ll get depressed at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, we celebrated mum’s birthday in Penang with your brother and Rachel. I’m in KL running some errands and heading back to Singapore today. 

I’ve taken up erhu lessons and I miss my practice sessions. I shall play a song for you.

Miss you so much! 😥

September 2024

 I dreamt of you last night. You came home and you just stood in front of me. You were wearing a long sleeve shirt and an ankle length skirt, quite a colourful outfit, which was uncharacteristic of you since I always see you in t-shirts and jeans. Nevertheless, I was so happy to see you and gave you a tight hug. There were a thousand and one questions I wanted to ask you but nature calls and I woke up. 

Your birthday is coming up and I shall never forget the times we spent together. I wondered whether you appeared in my dream to remind me of that. 

I will always miss you.

CNY 2024

 This is the first CNY where I stayed longer and spent more time with family. We had cny eve dinner at Teng Lye’s place. On day 1, we visited uncle Teik Ee and uncle Boo Eng. Uncle Teik Ee has moved in to Milo (his youngest son)’s place. On day 2, Chean Shen hosted his open house; we had spaghetti, roast pork and chicken and alcohol was free flowing. Wished you were here though.

Remembrance

 Last night, I went to a temple to light candles for you. You left us 18 years ago on this day. Even though, I’ve moved on, there’s always a place in my heart for you.❤️

December 2023

 I was back in KL for your mom’s birthday; there were seven of us: your mom, brother and his girlfriend Rachel, Pheng, Cheng, Raj and myself. We had dinner at a Spanish restaurant as your mom was craving for paella.I wish you were here with us.

I miss you.

15 Sept 2023

 We had a family gathering to celebrate your birthday; you would have been 48 years old. Your cousin Ah Boy , his wife Lisa and son Xian Wei have come back to Malaysia for good. We had a good time catching up and there were lots of food to feed a dozen. Your mom cooked a few dishes and she really enjoyed the “new kitchen” which has been renovated to her liking. Your brother made mushroom risotto with blue cheese, an acquired taste.  While everyone had a good time, not having you around is the saddest feeling ever. 

Miss you.

April 2023

 I wanted a low key, no fuss birthday as I was feeling not particularly sociable. I was thinking a lot about you though. As it turned out, I went out with a couple of friends and had my fill of junk food! Next weekend, I’ll be back in KL to see everyone and play with my garden. But most of all, I miss you very much.

Bye 2022

 I’m glad the year is almost over. There were times, more often than not, that I lost motivation at work; I felt that I need a break and a long holiday will do me some good. It didn’t help that financial markets are extremely volatile and hence, hard to manage. Looking back, I think I could’ve done better but it’s always easy to say on hindsight. 

On a personal level, I can’t complain much. What I would like to share is that your brother has a new girlfriend Rachel. I like her a lot. She’s joining us for CNY gathering in Penang, and I bet she’ll be warmly welcomed by everyone. Also, mom and I are having an early CNY lunch with Ah Boy and family in KL now that China has opened its borders after its zero covid policy was scrapped.

CNY 2023 is going to be really fun with everyone around! 

Miss you though.

Dreams

 Last night, I dreamt that I was left behind by a tour bus when I went to the restroom. I panicked and was frantically looking for help when you appeared. You assured me you would help me find the bus but then I woke up. As always, you never failed to look out for me! Your birthday is next Thursday. I miss you so much.

CNY 2022

 Finally, after more than two years, I was able to travel back to Penang to celebrate CNY with your uncles, aunties and cousins. What makes the homecoming extra special is that we (mom, Raj and I) are staying with your brother. He has bought a new place in Bayan Lepas; a 3 bedroom apartment with a nice view. This morning, we went to uncle Teik Ee’s place prayers to grandma; something I haven’t done for ages. It was a re-union of sorts as we also met up with uncle Boo Eng, aunty Girlie, Teng Lye and Teng Hin. Hopefully, we can do this again next CNY. 

Home Sweet Home

I’m home in KL after nearly two years waiting for the Covid 19 travel restrictions to ease off. Had a good time with mom and CS for 3 days before they drove back to Pg. CS has bought a new apartment and mom is helping him to move in. How I wish you could be with us. I miss you.

Sept 2021

 Yesterday, someone in my office tested positive for COVID-19 so we had to pack up and leave immediately. I went to the clinic today and luckily the result of the test was negative. I’ll be working from home till the end of the month. The pandemic has turned our lives topsy turvy and it will take at least another year for our lives to go back to normal. I haven’t been back since March 2020 and really miss everyone back in Malaysia. I hope I can visit by year end if not Chinese New Year in February 2022!

Goodbye 2020

 What a year! COVID-19 has changed the way we live; traveling is largely restricted, social gatherings restrained, families stayed apart and work from home became the norm. We can only hope that life will resume to the way we are used to in 2021. 

But hope can fail us. On this day, 15 years ago, you left us. We can never have you back. Some say time heals; true but to a certain extent. As much as we’ve moved on, we can never forget you! 

I’ll always miss you.

Sept 2020

I’m a day late but will never forget your birthday on 15 September; miss you.

Covid-19

Just after my trip back to KL on 13 March, I like everyone else was confined mostly to working from home due to the outbreak of the coronavirus. Since March, I was unable to go back to Malaysia and miss home very much. I was also worried about mom being alone; until June your brother couldn’t travel to see her.
 The virus outbreak has spread to all parts of the world and we have to take more precautions than usual; one instance is wearing mask when you leave home. We also try to avoid crowded places and eat out less. In other words, it will take a long time for things to return to normal.
Meanwhile, I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately; I really miss you.

Dec 2019

I was back in KL during the Christmas week to spend some time with your mom. Your brother and Raj, thankfully, were around as well. On Christmas eve, we had dinner with Pheng, Cheng and their dad. In our hearts, we’re all thinking about you. New Year’s eve is round the corner and it always reminds of how you would come over and have dinner with me before you headed out for the fireworks. I truly miss you.

September 2019

I was back in KL during your birthday weekend to spend time with mom and Chean Shen.
The good news is that mom got a new job and she’ll be spending some time in Singapore to help integrate the company’s HR process regionally. On 26 September, we had dinner with Raj and some friends to celebrate my 13 year anniversary at job. Barely had we finished dinner when we received some bad news about our friend Martin; he had taken his own life.
Naturally, we were shocked and very sad to lose a dear friend.
I miss you.

Perth

We were in Perth from Aug 8 to 15; never saw your mom so happy in a long time.
She was game for everything from whale watching to sky diving. It was more fun
with your brother around. The weather was also perfect until the second last day
when it rained and the temperature dropped to single digit when the wind blows.
We did a lot of wine and cheese tasting along Swan Valley and Margaret River;
Needless to say, mom and Chean Shen took tons of photos; wish you could see them.

new year's eve 2018

New Year's eve always brings back fond memories of you. We would have dinner usually at your favorite restaurant Esquire Kitchen with your friends Saw Hong or Li Huey.  After dinner, you would try to persuade me to go for the fireworks display but habits die hard as i need to be in bed before midnight; so you would drop me home first. It was always fun to be with you, and this time of the year is especially poignant knowing we always spent time together. I miss you.

August 2018

I was back in KL for 10 days to help your mom deal with the aftermath of house renovation. i spent most days unpacking boxes and boxes of books and other stuff; cleaning and re-organizing. On my second last day, i sorted out a stack of photo albums and went through some old pictures. i saw the ones where you were playing with your brother when he was 2 or 3 years old. The photos reminded me of how much i miss you. We all do.

GE May 9 2018

It's been over a week since Malaysia held its 14th general elections on Wed. May 9, 2018. The results turned out to be a positive surprise with the Opposition coalition forming the new government. This time around, the voter turnout was over 80% with overseas Malaysians making an effort to head back to vote. I flew back to KL while your mom made a last minute decision to go back to Penang to vote. Needless to say, you would have done the same thing. Even now, most of us are still caught up in the euphoria of the election results as this is the first time in 60 years that Barisan Nasional had lost an election.The new government has made a few promises including reducing corruption and restore the rule of law. The question now is whether the changes being made will have a good lasting impact on Malaysian society and the economy. 

new year's eve

i had just came back from KL, spending abit of time with your mom, brother, Yileen (Chean Shen's girlfriend) and Kaya (their super cute puppy). i was also glad that i met up with my erhu teacher Yee Sim whom i've not seen for two years; he's like a younger brother that i never had; good bloke. i believe you've met him when he came to the house to give me erhu lessons. Well, another year has gone but i will always miss you; new year's eve in particular. you would always come over for dinner with Saw Hong or Li Huey and then drive out to see fireworks. i would be asleep when you come back; those were the days i cherish so much!

15 Sep 2017

It was your birthday two weeks ago; i thought about you. I couldn't believe you would have been 42 years old. Time may heal the wound but not the pain of losing you. I have recurring dreams of you coming home but i was robbed of those moments of joy in a flash of a second, waking up to confront the reality of you gone. I miss you.

looking up

Things are starting to look good for your mom. First, she got a contract to conduct training in organisation and development for a company in Penang. This was quickly followed by a job offer from a well known legal firm in KL. All of us are so happy for her,as we know the job will keep her busy and in good spirits. As for me, the first six months of the year have kept me super busy at work but there were times when work stress got the better of me, so much so that i was tempted to quit.
But i realize that i would be worse off without working, so i just have to suck it in and learn to cope better with the stress at work. More than anything else, i'm very happy for your mom, and i know you would be too.

CNY 2017

Chinese New Year 2017 is very special. We had our reunion dinner in Penang with uncle Boo Eng and family, and Pheng and family. On the first day of CNY, I did my usual rounds; visited my biological mother (when you were around, you always dropped me off at her place) who is in a very bad shape, bed ridden and has to be fed through the tube. i was abit shaken when i saw her in that condition. Next stop was uncle Boo Eng's place, then uncle Teik Ee. Got to meet everyone at uncle Teik Ee's place. Your cousin, uncle Teik Ee's youngest son Wen Koay, is a budding entrepreneur doing web designing and other IT-related work. Uncle Teik Ee is very proud of him, so are we. Wish you were here.

December 2016

Last night, i dreamed that you came home and told everyone that you didn't die. i was so happy and relieved that i wanted to hug you to see if you were really alive. As i rushed forward, i woke up and the reality sank in.
i will always remember how you would call me to tell me that you were coming over to spend New Year's eve with me. We would have dinner with your friends and you would head out to see the fireworks.
I really, really miss you.

Kaya

This posting was overdue. i remembered your birthday; you would have been 41 years old on Sept 15, last Thursday. Your mom was tearing up when she went through your photographs; guess what happened? Kaya, your brother's puppy, jumped up from his slumber and sat on your mom's lap as if to comfort her. She is so adorable and lovable; wish you could see her. 

April

I was back in KL on Friday, April 22. That evening, your cousins Pheng and Cheng, and I went to Pantai Hospital to see your mom who is recovering from a knee surgery. She was in good spirits and was discharged the following day. I thought your mom was lucky to have your brother's new girl friend Yileen playing nurse to her for 2 weeks. Yileen is a lovely girl and reminded me of you. She's friendly, cheerful, down to earth and smart. You would have liked her too. 

2015

As the year 2015 comes to a close, I ask myself what have I achieved?
At work, I believe I have done well, taking on more responsibilities and my funds have stayed in the top quartile. Besides, I couldn't have asked for a more talented and hard working team; the team spirit is also amzazing.
My personal life is also good; i've made some effort to be more sociable; i've trained hard in the gym and i have put in effort to see our family more often. I've renovated the kitchen and install an oven; your mom has been happily baking. She also travels to Penang frequently to help Chean Shen set up his flat.
All in all, a good year. I still miss you.

A milestone

Happy Birthday! I have some good news for you. Your brother has found a job - after a year of job hunting; so you can imagine how happy your mom and I were. I wish you were here to share our joy.
I miss you.

Bersih 4

As I was watched Bersih 4 on Malaysiakini's live feed, i thought of you. For sure, you would join your mom and Chean Shen who are among the thousands of Malaysians demanding a clean and competent government. I won't go into details except to say that the corruption scandals involving the prime minister and the falling ringgit triggered a mass protest. Wish you here!

April 2015

I want to share with you some good things that happened in April. My work contract was extended for another year; means a lot to me as i'm really enjoying my job as a portfolio manager and managing a team. It took me a long time to find a team which gells and jumps at every opportunity to have lunch together. I made it a tradition to take my team out for lunch every quarter but looks like our team lunches are getting more frequent. In March, apart from our quarterly lunch, we had a treat from a member of the team who got promoted. In April, my team took me out for my birthday followed by similar treats from a former staff and most unexpectedly, from Ah Fook. He and his wife invited Raj and myself over to his new place for a nice home cooked meal followed by a lovely cake for dessert. Last but not least, I had a great time with your mom, Pheng, Cheng and Ah tiau, though we dearly miss you and kor kor. 

CNY 2015

I was back in Penang on the first day of Chinese New Year. This year, I was accompanied by your mon and Raj. As usual, uncle Boo Eng picked us up and headed to his place. We stayed for a while before Teng Lye dropped me off at my mother's place. I had invited Raj to visit my biological family; my mother, at 95, looks quite healthy except that she cannot recognize or remember me at all. I had a good time taking photographs of family members, all of whom I see once a year. About 2pm, Teng Lye picked us up and headed to uncle Teik Ee's house where we met up with almost everyone in the family. Khim's eldest daughter Chin Chin is in form 6, doing well in school and aiming to do medicine at university.Uncle Teik Ee's youngest son, Wen Koay (who called himself milo juak) is a smart cookie, designing web applications at the age of 19. CNY is not cny without a game of mahjong. Raj (with some help from me) played with aunty Girlie and aunty Ah Eng's sister, and emerged the winner (you can say `beginner's luck' played a big part). By the time, we got back to KL, it was past midnight and we were all exhausted. We had dinner with Pheng, Cheng, Bobby, Lisa, Xian Wei and Ah tiau at TGIF; food not so great but it's the company that counts. Cheng is recovering from dengue, while everyone else seemed subdued (we sure miss kor kor). Bobby and family headed back to Shanghai on Sunday while Raj and I returned to Singapore.

Farewell to your kor kor

Your kor kor passed away on Tuesday, 27 January; her funeral was yesterday Sat. 31. Uncle Boo Eng and children, aunty Ah Eng and Wen Koay were here. Pheng and the rest of the family are taking her ashes to Penang today; so that she can rest close to you.

this day

Nine years ago this day, you left us in a hurry. My favorite photograph of you is on my dressing table; where you wore a white shirt and blue jeans on a sitting pose with a smile and a twinkle in your eye waving your finger as if saying `i told you so'; your smile is so infectious. 

April 2014

i was in KL on 17 April afternoon when i heard about Karpal Singh's death in an accident. i couldn't beleive what i heard until i've read the news online many times over. Karpal Singh's death was untimely as he prepared himself for another round of court battles, first on sedition charges; and second, representing Anwar Ibrahim on sodomy charges. We may speculate on the inevitable outcome of these court cases but Karpal Singh was never ever going to give up easily. Fighting for justice has always been his mantra. We have lost a truly remarkable and incorruptible leader who stood up for ordinary Malaysians. Farewell Karpal Singh.

A new year... I find it hard to believe that it's been eight years since you left us. It seemed only like yesterday that you were in my house having dinner, sharing a joke and teasing Li Huey and Saw Hong. Each year brings new hopes and challenges; how i wish i could share them with you. I miss you. aunty choo2

Happy Birthday!

GE May 2013

Malaysia's general elections on Sunday May 5, 2013 were a let-down in some ways, but hope for change lingers on. The ruling party BN won despite overwhelming support for the opposition coalition as reflected in the popular vote of 47.38% versus 50.87% for the latter in the nationwide polls. Naturally this raised a lot of questions on how BN won. Everyone has an opinion although critics would obviously accused the BN of using dirty tactics. But what is more interesting than ever is the emerging voter trend in this election. There seems to be a clear divide between urban, middle class and rural voters. Young, middle class and urban voters voted for change which showed in the swing in votes against the BN in the popular states. In most urban areas, the opposition parties won by a bigger majority. We don't know yet how the government is going to respond to this trend but all said and done, we did have a good time with family and friends sharing our hopes and aspirations for a better future.

New Year's Eve

It rained all day, with overcast skies threatening to derail tonight's firework display to usher in the New Year. I'm not a great fan of fireworks but I recall that you and Saw Hong or Li Huey will drive out after dinner to watch the fireworks. What I cherished most is the effort you made to spend New year's eve with me; we had so much fun together. I miss you.

A trip to Penang

Last weekend, I was in Penang to observe the Emperor of Nine Gods Festival, and also to re-visit some  tourist spots. My first day was spent walking around the city area where most old buildings were undergoing restoration. Penang Road was my first stop, and there was a queue for Penang laksa and chendol, which tasted so yummy! Next, I headed for Armenian street; oh, what a pretty sight! The area was surrounded by an old temple, the picturesque Cheah clan building and newly painted pre-war shop houses. The famous Kuan Yin temple was under renovation and the Khoo Kongsi was closed by the time I reached there.Determined not to miss it, i went back to Cannon Street the morning before i flew back to Singapore. I was impressed by how well kept the Khoo Kongsi is; given its rich heritage I shouldn't be, perhaps.An electronic TV screen featuring Hokkien opera highlights was the new addition, a mirror of the stage in the court yard. On the second day, i took the bus to Kek Lok Si, and took the new cable car to the roof top which housed the Kuan Imm statue. It brought back memories of the last time i was there with your mom and Steve, where we observed a quiet moment thinking about you.  My next stop is Penang Hill. I was greeted by a blast of music meant for an event for the kids, and after pausing for a drink, i walked down the hill to reach Botanic Gardens. Nothing much has changed since my last visit ages ago, except for the addition of tram cars for anyone who cares for a ride. Generally, i was impressed by how green and clean the island is, and buses that ran on schedule. The most interesting night scene was Burma road where street stalls were set up selling vegetarian food for devotees of the Emperor of Nine Gods. The rain failed to stop the crowd from celebrating their favorite festival. I headed home happy and satisfied.

A Day at Marina Barrage

I had some charity tickets for the National Kidney Foundation (NKF) and decided to make good use of them. Having convinced Raj to go with me, we decided to be adventurous and take the long route to burn some calories; we walked about 3.1km under overcast sky; the humidity was high but a little help from the breeze made our walk more pleasant. As we approached Marina Barrage we were greeted by a blast of vocals trying to impress but didn't really succeed. We found a shady spot to cool off before heading for the food; the most yummy was the fried tau foo with bean sprouts and peanut sauce. Oh, the home-made Belgian chocolate was yummy too. After hanging around for an hour, we headed back the way we came which added up to a 7.2km walk. I thought you would have enjoyed the outing too; the last time we walked for a cause was at Lake Gardens with Li Huey, Pheng and Cheng.

The Miniature Palm Tree

The miniature palm tree that you gave me died. It had been with me the last 8 years. I felt helpless that I couldn't do anything to revive it. Obviously, it needed a lot more care than I was able to provide given the limited visits to KL. I feel sad and all I can say is that it is irreplaceable, coming as it is from you. Already, I miss it.

Oh, What a week!

Last Saturday, I got a distress call from Pheng; her mum was admitted to the ICU for severe infection of the lungs. We know Pheng's mum has a history of lung problems but this time the infections were so bad that she had difficulty breathing. Cheng and I rushed back to KL to see her. All of us were very upset to see her struggling to breathe with a big mask on and later tubes. She had to be sedated to calm her down. By Monday morning, she looked better although she still needs the tubes to help her breathe. With her condition improving, I headed back to Singapore and kept in touch with Pheng on a daily basis. As I write, I was told that she's more alert and may be able to breathe on her own without the tubes. We're all so happy and relieved to hear that!!

CNY 2012

I was back in Penang on the first day of Chinese New Year. My routine was similar to last year's; visited uncle Boo Eng and extended family after which Teng Lye dropped me off at my biological mum's place. My mum has a selective memory; she has no re-collection of everyone else except me; I'm not sure whether to feel privileged or sad, considering my second sis-in-law feels that her devotion to my mum went unappreciated.
After lunch, I dashed off to uncle Teik Ee's place for another round of family bonding and late late lunch. But the most touching moment was reserved for uncle Teik Ee who revealed to me how much he loves and misses you; don't we all?

Remembering you

A day late posting Mei Phing
But I remembered you this morning
I lay in the dark
As the rain fell
Softly, softly
Before the sun rose
To summon another day
Another day without you

Passage of time

I had my eye surgery on Wed. 28 Dec local time. When I was wheeled out of the operation room, I immediately thought of you. I know you would have been there for me; as always.

Miss you,

auntie choo choo

Happy Birthday

I miss you.

A night of treats

Last weekend I was back in KL for my monthly visit. But what was so special about the last visit has everything to do with your mom. She hosted a birthday dinner for Raj at Bombay Palace (our first choice was Vansh but we found out that it has gone out of business); that was not all. We had Raj's parents with us, some thing we cherished, since it is not easy to get them eating out. We left the menu selection to Raj since he knows what everyone likes. Your mom was a perfect host that night, keeping everyone suitably entertained. To top it all, we noticed that we were attracting some attention from the other diners, who must be quite tickled seeing the two of us dressed up in sarees! Your mom looked fantastic in the orange color saree I got her when I was in India. And oh, Raj's mom had the foresight to bring a saree for me; it was a very sweet baby blue which suits my paler skin tone. Admittedly, we enjoyed the attention at dinner, and the company of Raj and his parents, of course. Somehow, I was reminded of the dinner with you and Li Huey at Mandarin Hotel.

Sometimes it rains but mostly its sunny

UK as usual was cold but Dorcus and I were pretty lucky when we were there. We had sun quite often. And guess what!, we (CS, Dorcus and I) went to the roller coaster them park in Blackpool. of coz, i had to go on the rides. I took them all in stride and went for seconds on the more adventurous ones.. hooray!!! You would have been so proud of me. Of coz you would also be having an amusing time watching me scream my head off. But it was all fun.

Austria was interesting as well. I got to 'act' local. Well, kinda. Johannes (my housemate for 5 months last year and soon to be for another 6 months) hosted my visit. I got to eat the local favorites and visited several interesting venues. The usual castles and churches but what stood out was the water trick castle. the entire castle is powered by water which is pretty cool. Even more so when visitors get rained on when they least expect it. Johannes's mom Heidi loaned me her Austrian traditional dress and we both got into gear for some pictures. When we were in the Salzburg city center, I saw some in candy color which i really like.

Yes, we sold both the cars. The wira and kancil in exchange for a brand new ford fiesta. You would approve and love driving it too. Its a pretty neat little car. Well not that little compared to the Kancil. Plus I got a really good deal and top service to boot. Can't ask for more :)

Recently I also got really motivated to bake sourdough bread and has produced 3 batches so far. My 3rd try seems more controlled. Making sourdough bread really feels like baby sitting. There so many technical aspects but once I got into the rhythm it was plain sailing. Well at least I think I've got it down pat. We shall how my next attempt goes.

I guess its been awhile since so plenty to share with you. Every time I think of writing, i tend to tear up and struggle thinking of keeping my tales on a lighter note. This evening I was watching CSI Miami and at the end of the show, they had a basketball game amongst Horatio's team members. It reminded me of the early days when we went up against your housemates with Steve. I still miss you my baby girl.

Love, mom

Hello!

Hi Mei Phing,

I was supposed to write to you a month back...but got so caught up with work...

Anyway, it's been nearly 4 years Balee and I met =) and I've heard many many wonderful stories about you. Your life in so many ways has inspired your brother to who he is right now. I am very sure you are proud of him...soon to be another PHD holder in the family =) Hopefully we will be able to attend his graduation next year...

Wendy says I should tell you stories about your brother's antics =D He's not going to like this lolsss...

But he is busy working on his research now...because Wendy and I will be partying in the UK next week!!! We will keep you posted with pictures this time ...

Dorcus

Bye, Wira

Last week, I traded in my car, the proton Wira, with a hint of sadness,I must say. The car has been with me for 14 years and 4 months, so much so that it has become a part of my life. I recalled the first time I drove the Wira it was out of sheer courage, and unnecessary risk taking. The day after I bought the Wira I had a dinner to go to. My initial plan was to take a cab since I didn’t feel comfortable driving at night and without taking a refresher driving course first. But after waiting for half an hour, I was getting impatient. My neighbor suggested that I should drive my car (that’s what you bought it for, right?), and despite my mild protest that I haven’t driven a car for more than 10 years I gave in after taking some driving instructions. It was a little adventure that could have gone wrong as my friend’s house was perched on a steep hill top and I almost failed to grab the brake.

The best memories, however, are reserved for you. Since you moved to KL to study, you would drive the car on weekend visits while I enjoyed being `chauffeured’. You would always take the car to the petrol station to pump the tires and check the condition of the spare tire, something that you would admonish me for failing to do so. You would always say, `aunty choo2, your spare tire is flat. You must always make sure it’s got air because you may need it.’

You became fond of the car so much so that you offered to buy it after you started work at Sime Darby. I remembered one day you offered cash upfront to underline the seriousness of your offer. The first thing you noticed was the `shiny’ tires, as I had just changed them. But as fate would have it, you left for the US to do your post doc. in May 2005. I kept the Wira for as long as I can since it reminded me of you. I’m sure, like me, you will miss the Wira too.

Good tidings

It has been a while since I last wrote. So far, life is good; which makes me wonder how long this run of luck will last. At work, I have received some recognition for my contribution to my company; while I couldn't be happier in my personal life. My health is good, and my relationship with the family keeps getting better. I met with everyone in Penang during Chinese New Year, and there was so much warmth and closeness in the family; some thing I haven't felt for a long time. Your mom is doing very well, and she deserves her job promotion. I'm happy for her; how could I not share this good news with you.

Letting go

I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt that you were at a performance with me and mid way you got up and danced with a friend. You were doing the Swing!! I've always thought of Swing as a fun and happy dance. I woke up with the thought that you are happy and you are now happier as I learn to be happier.

2010

Last night, we (your mom, Chean Shen, Dorcus and I) had dinner at your favorite restaurant Esquire Kitchen. We ordered the dishes that you liked such as the man tou dipped in black sauce, aubergine in bean paste, and chicken with cashew nuts. Btw, Dorcus is Chean Shen's girlfriend. During dinner, we chatted about the new car that your mom is looking to buy, a Ford sports model. Before dinner, we had gone to the Ford showroom to view the car which came in red, black, grey, blue and silver. Your mom seems to like the red. It's timely for your mom to upgrade to a better car considering she is likely to promoted end of the month. Chean Shen is back for a visit for 6 weeks and he is having a good time, eating his favorite food and meeting up with his friends. He has also put on a lot of weight, and is getting teased for his extra pounds.

In retrospect, I have had a good year, taking on more responsibilities at work and learning how to relax by practicing yoga. Still miss you very much.

aunty choo choo

Happy Bday!

Ah i'll be moving in a few months, just realized how much junk i've accumulated for the last 3 years. Every week i'm throwing out a big black back of trash....they seem rather unlimtied. But it's okay, i got months to pack. Moving out while on my holiday should save some cash as well.

Should say all is well with work, but i need to work harder. Next to work is keeping myself fit. The scales go up and down as they please, i have no control over my weight. Ah well.


Happy Bday sis.

Miss you lots.

September...

I was back in KL last weekend for the Hari Raya holidays. Predictably, I spent most of the time playing mahjong with your mum and kor kor (that's how you always addressed her). Not surprisingly, kor kor took home the winnings. Your mum and I were talking about going to Shanghai with your brother to see Ah Boy. The problem is that your brother has a packed itinerary as he plans to spend some time in KL, Penang and a short holiday in Bali, when he visits in December. Well, we'll see how it goes.

Back in Singapore, I managed to catch the replay of the US Open finals. To my delight, my favorite tennis player Rafael Nadal won. He has never won the US Open until this time around, and now has completed his career grand slam after winning at the French Open and Wimbledon earlier this year.

As I write, I'm thinking you're 35!!! Happy Birthday. I miss you very much.

Auntie choo choo

Photo shoot for a good cause

Your birthday is just around the corner and this year I got to invest time in helping the Orang Asli. This time, I modeled for a website that some friends of mine set up to help them market their craft to a wider audience. www.elevyn.com

I got 5 of my friends to join me in this photo shoot. It was a 4 hour session and we were pretty tired by the time we wrapped up but we also had a lot of fun. We started at 11am and finished at 3pm so we were basically happy to heap our plates with nasi kandar for our late lunch.

I guess partying till the wee hours the night before a photo shoot was not exactly smart but I enjoyed my new friends and was having a good time. I crashed the minute I got home but still woke up feeling really lethagic. The photos turned out really well but I think my skin tone may be a little sallow. Should have used a two way cake I suppose. Also should have touched up my lips more often. Well we are our worst critic I suppose.

Well that was the gist of what I did today. I hope your day was good my darling. I miss you much.

Aller Aller....GO TEAM!!

Your friend Gabriela trained and took part in a 1/2 marathon on June 6th as a member of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's (LLS) Team In Training. It was for a great cause: "to help stop leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin lymphoma and myeloma from taking more lives".

http://pages.teamintraining.org/mn/rnr10/gmadunicca

It was just the type of thing you would have done yourself and so I thought it really cool that she dedicated her efforts to your memory. An image of your sunny smile of approval hovers in my mind whenever I get an update from Gabby of her training.

Aller aller... GO TEAM!!

CNY 2010

Getting up at 5am to be at the airport by 6am is a chore. Even more frustrating, the flight to Penang was delayed by almost an hour! Thank goodness, by the time I touched down, all my angst had evaporated. My first destination was uncle Boo Eng's place; there I was re-acquainted with Teng Hin's 2 year old daughter who proved to be a tough cookie to handle. Karvin looks 16 when he is only 12; he must have easily weighed 60kg! By 12 noon, Teng Lye was ready to drop me off at my `other' family home. Everyone tells me that my biological mother, going to 88, is losing her memory but she still remembers my name. Thirty minutes later, I was whisked off to uncle Teik Ee's house; literally the `happening' place. Kids were running around, and aunty Ah Eng was busy cooking, as always. In fact, this year she has cut down the cooking having recently recovered from a slipped disc operation. Wen Loo, whom I haven't seen for a long time, greeted me and introduced his girl friend from China, who's probably gotten used to the extended family and its noisy way of doing things. You would be glad to hear that Wen Koay, your youngest cousin, is doing very well in school and is also involved in some programming consulting work for a Singapore company. I suppose all's well that ends well; I couldn't resist a mahjong game and ended up losing 100 bucks to Wen Wei and aunty Girly. On my way to the airport to catch the 7pm flight to KL, I received a call from Ah Bin and Ah Yeu who both chided me for choosing the mahjong game over them! Ha, you would have empathized with me; CNY is not CNY without a mahjong game, right?

Remembrance

It rained today
Afterward
The grass glistened as the sun set
The birds sang their song
As dark descended
I remembered you today Mei Phing
As I laboured over the edits
Of a book I would otherwise never have read
You would have wondered maybe
At the ludicrous state of my mind
As you would have over the length of our days
As we laboured on without you
Limping into the shadows of tonight
Book without end

hk2009

The last time I was in Hong Kong was in Dec. 2005, when I received news of your sudden illness; that you had leukimia. I was shocked, angry and felt helpless. I asked a friend if she knew of any bone marrow donors and transplant facilities in HK. The next day, I was at the famous Wong Tai Sin temple seeking divine help to save your life. I made a donation pledge if you get well. When I received a call at 3am, I knew it was bad news; you had passed away. I returned to KL with a broken heart.

I was back in HK last week, and visited the WTS temple to lodge a protest. Of course, I know there is no such thing as divine intervention. Still, your death - sudden and premature - was unacceptable; the grief and pain that it caused is immeasurable. I asked myself whether I had come to HK to seek closure; may be? But there is no denying that I still miss you very much.

I see you in my dreams

I see you in my dreams and in this dream i want to stay,

But all too soon the stirring of wakefulness reaches through,

And with consciousness comes reality, Then a wave of pain descends upon my being,

Reaching deep down, squeezing my heart until I cry out in agony,

Hot tears flow freely and sobbing aloud seems the only relief,

Until the instinct for survival takes control,

And instead be grateful for the time with you,

For the light and warmth you brought to my life,

Forever in my heart, my angel........

Touching Base

Its been a while since I wrote... not much excitement to report. But I just got a new toy. Yeah its an ideapad. Been spending time loading it up with stuff that I like having on my machine. Not taken it outdoors yet but am sure we'll both love the treat. Me and my new toy that is... :)

Oh I just came back from Penang. Another one of my impromptu trips with my salsa buddies. It was interesting as I got to get a taste of the salsa scene in Penang. Very small group compared to KL. Most of the faces I already know. The first time I met most of them was on one of their many trips to KL for salsa. The place they danced on the weekend is a restaurant by the sea so the setting is rather romantic. And so we danced to music brought by one of the local salsa enthusiast and sea breeze softly brushing our sweat covered skin. The soft lighting from the parked yacht formed the background adding to the resort feel of the environment. Really all that's needed to complete the picture was some tables with white table cloths and candle light.

That was really the high light of the trip. However, I was quite disappointed that we did not get to stop for the 'chee cheong fun'. Sigh..... what a shame.

I Feel Good

I didn't think I would say that after feeling really lousy over the weekend. I don't know what hit me in the wee hours of last Friday. I threw up 3x followed by runs. The doctor said it's stomach flu, but I suspect it's reflux considering I had a similar attack years ago but minus the runs. I've to restrict my diet to plain toast and water or 100plus without the fizz or better, porridge without the trimmings. No complaints though, peanut porridge never tastes so yummy.

This morning, just before I left for work, I had the TV on to see who's leading in the US Open. The game was tight; Roger Federer and Del Potro were playing the fifth set to decide the winner. I left the flat without waiting for the final score, but hoping for an upset. When I reached my office and logged in Bloomberg, I saw the news. Del Potro had beaten Federer, yeah!
At the same time, I received an sms from my housemate who is a Federer fan and I teased him about his `loss'. He replied that `it's only a game'. So I said, `I feel good'. Happy Birthday, MP!!

Dream of 9 9

So I was driving, then I received a phone call from you. I was told to come meet you at your apartment. So I went and the lobby door was locked. In true Malaysian style I waited for someone to come out and made my entrance. I recalled in the lift, you lived in Level 9, Unit 9.

When I walked out of the lift I felt it was a very high place, windy and cold enough that i could see my own breath. I soon developed acrophobia but looked down a few times and I got used to it. Soon I was in front of your door with a typical steel grills commonly found in asian homes. There you were in your intel clothes you got free of mom. Complete with your housemates, SawHong and LiHuey and one other unknown fella. To top it off you were a wee bit chubby....

In the dream, I already realized you shouldn't be here. So this must be a dream. But instead of asking more interesting questions, we were engaged in regular small talk as if nothing happened. Unfortunately my realization that it was a dream also caused me to wake up. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling though.

Anyway, when i woke up, my mobile showed a reminder. 9 of September, a friend is leaving UK. Due to the settings the reminder would not have appeared the night i went to bed. 9 of September another friend is coming to bunk at my place as well. Naturally i told the friend who was leaving uk about the dream. She immediately assumed she's gonna die in a plane crash. Other then friends coming and going, 9 of September was pretty uneventful.

Still trying to figure out if it means something. Perhaps you were referring to 4D numbers.....090909. 9 September 2009. All in all the significance of that date it's still a mystery to me.

Anyway happy birthday. You would have been in your mid 30s you old fart.

Bravo... tres bien

Well your brother’s done it. He’s well on his way to catching up with you. Auntie Choo2 and I attended his MSc graduation and yes you guessed right. There will be at least one more to come. Maybe 3 years from now. He’s doing well! His PhD is funded with a stipend to boot. We are all very proud of him just as we were of you. I can imagine your elation at this news as well.

Last year the three of us had a simple lunch after his graduation and dinner was an affair at home with us, Dorcus and her parents. This year Auntie Choo2 and a close “family friend” treated us to a fancy French restaurant joined by Dorcus of course and CS’s quirky friend from China. Wished you could have been here to celebrate with us. I imagined you sitting next to him at dinner toasting with the rest of us to his achievement.

This trip was another adventure for us. We took a leisure hike up the Helsby hills the first weekend I arrived. We also climbed Tryfan’s in Wales or part of it. We did not go up Adam & Eve since mom would probably suffer a heart attack coming down the steep and rocky trail. If it can be called a trail! Anyways you brother’s description of his experience was enough to fill my need for adventure. Switzerland was amazing as well. My favorite was Zematt where climbers accessed the Matterhorn the highest peak in Switzerland. Of course your brother and I gleefully signed up for the climb up Briethorn (at 4164 meters, it is the 2nd highest peak in Switzerland).

But lo and behold, the thin air did me in. My muscles gave up the will to take another step up the peak at 3800 meters. We were told during the climb that we were crazy to have attempted the climb without at least 3 days of acclimatization. Even though I did not finish, I was really glad to have made the attempt. Next time….I shall be more prepared and I will conquer Breithorn! Your brother did well. He finished and was rewarded with a certificate of achievement. Bravo!

Oh oui … I finally took the plunge and signed up for French lessons. Classes are 3 times a week for 3 months totaling something like 72 hours! So far its still very basic so I am able to follow but we’ll see how I fare once the heavy artillery is dispatched….!

Tu me manques ma fille cherie! Love, Mom

Brian May

It's the second time I attended your brother's convocation. This year, it was for his Masters degree. I'm getting more familiar with the city of Liverpool, the dockyards, and of course, the Cathedral where the convocation took place. The weather was also lovely, cool and cloudy, hovering around 18-20 degrees C unlike the year before when the wind chill factor brought the temperature down to 10 degrees.

Your mom and I were there early to get the best seats to snap pictures. The convocation started promptly at 3pm followed by some VIP introductions and speeches. When the JMU Chancellor was introduced to make a speech, someone sitting next to me exclaimed excitedly: `it's Brian May'! Brian May? I must confess that I didn't know who Brian May is. But I was curious to find out, so I googled Wikipedia. Brian May studied physics at Imperial College but along the way found fame as the lead guitarist of the rock band Queen and as a rock musician for some 30 years before he returned to complete his PhD in Astrophysics in 2007; that sums up his colorful and distinguished career path. All that, however, couldn't take away the happiness we felt when we saw Chean Shen receiving his honors in Masters, and from none other than the distinguished Brian May himself.

Strong lifts 5x5

Today, I managed to lift 50kg plates; the inspiration came from you. I recalled that you were keen on weight lifting when I signed you up for gym membership at the Bukit Kiara club. The program I am on is called strong lifts 5x5 and consists of 8 exercises; starts with squats followed by overhead press, bench press, deadlift and so on.  Squats are key to the program followed by deadlift. I failed miserably at squats; i just couldn't get the technique right. But I did better with the deadlift and after 6 months of practice, I was able to lift 50kg, my own weight. I wish you were here because I know you will love this program. For you, I will continue to persevere with squats until I get the technique right. 

Life can be unfair

I was told yesterday that a girl I met recently took her own life a week ago. The thought of her wasting her life when you fought and lost made me upset. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. She was 29 and healthy and could have lived a full life.

It made me cry but more out of helplessness. I was being selfish... Thinking if only her chance could have been given to you instead..

When it rains, It pours

Yesterday as I turned off ontothe highway leading to Batu Caves, I thought of you again. I remembered the countless times you either dropped me off or came climbing with me. Maybe it was because yesterday was Mother's Day and my pain of losing you intensified. When I got to the parking lot at the Nanyang wall, I sat in the car and continued to brawl my heart out for a couple of minutes. Its a good thing I have a host of activities to keep me busy and my mind focused on other things. Cause I started crying or more like brawling again as I was driving back home.

Somebody asked if it gets better over time. I suppose it does. I don't cry as much now but when the pain comes, its just as intense as it was. So yes, when it rains, it pours! I still miss you

A great weekend

I was back in KL last weekend, and had a great time with your mom. She was in a really good mood! She looked relaxed and was accomodating about everything considering the stress she's under at work. I like the new Wendy. The weekend could not have ended better; Liverpool thrashed Manchester United at its own ground with a flattering score line, not seen since 1936!

More of your escapades

Steve’s presence here in Msia was somewhat surreal. While it was nice having him here, it was also a constant reminder of you as we brought him around and inducted him with some of your favorite hang out spots and food. It was also the first time I returned to the temple since your funeral. It was also the first time I saw Su Fung.

She shared with Steve some of your adventures and one that I did not know of. She told me how you used to sneak off early in the morning to cycle and returned before I was awake. I thought I knew all your antics but I don’t remember this one. You definitely opened the way for your brother and enabled him to do a lot of things I was too afraid to let you. To some extend watching you struggle in your last moments and feeling utterly helpless was one of the hardest feelings I had to endure. How silly of me, guess it’s a parent’s job to be over protective.

CS is back and he got to meet Steve who was here for about 10 days. Steve planned his trip to coincide with CNY so he got to meet the whole family in Penang and the rest in KL. He dug into whatever we put in front of him with gusto. Thought he was really brave until I found out that he had brought along a ‘tummy armor’ and was popping those before each meal. Still he did us proud. Not once but twice we went for durians and he loved the durian cakes. He also learned to play Mahjong and did pretty well. Talk about beginner’s luck. At Uncle Teik Ee’s he had the opportunity to entertain us with his singing err I think he was singing… :)

Your brother will return to Liverpool to continue with his PhD. The other good news is that he received a distinction for his Masters so we’re all very proud of his achievements. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he’ll receive enough funding so that he can fully concentrate on his research and not worry about making ends meet. I can imagine how proud you are of how far his come as well.

Love, mom

Determined that 2009 should be a good year all round

This time of year is hard for me and while I try not to let it get to me it does. I thought I did a pretty good job of containing my emotional stress but this morning as I was driving into my office car park, the thought of again starting the year without you hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up brawling my heart out in the car. It was a good thing nobody was about.

It was not a good way to start the year, I know. My good friend Kathi and I were just toasting to everything good last night at dinner and that thought managed to filter through, reminding me that I should also remember to count my lucky stars. Familiar faces raced through my mind and it dawned on me the sacred truth of having a strong network of family and friends. I could not have gone through losing you if not for their love and support. . . It struck me that I should let them know and so I did. I penned a short note to this effect.

You are not here with me but in your place, you have sent me many angels. I know we are all individuals and different and handle these emotional traumas in diverse ways. I understand and appreciate the fact that some find it uncomfortable in such situations. But each person I came into contact with helped to lit the path in front of me. Each in their unique way.

I still miss you very much…

Love, Mom

It's Grown

Yesterday morning, I was in the back garden when something caught my eye. The oil palm plant you gave me has grown, yes finally! You gave me the plant in May 2005 before you left for the States and told me it was a rare specie. I planted it in thinking it will grow quickly but for the longest time it hardly grew. So you can imagine how excited I was when I noticed the leaves have grown longer and the trunk taller! I even talked to the plant, expressing my pleasure at seeing it blossom into a nice little tree. Thank you for the nice present.
aunty choo choo

At my side

On Friday morning, I went for a surgical procedure to patch the hole in my ear drum. When I woke up past 5pm, I thought about you. I know you will be there for me, waiting to take me home like you did the last time I was at Pantai Hospital. I miss you so much.

aunty choo choo

Messages

Of late, I have been dreaming dreams that I know holds some message. I know this when I can recall what they are upon wakefulness. However these recent ones are different in this respect.

I can’t seem to recall the events in these dreams. Just a lingering feeling that I need to understand these messages and that they are important for my well being. Occasionally a fragment of the dream may drift into my thoughts but before I could grasp its content, its gone. Like a whiff of smoke, it slips past my fingers and disappears into thin air.

It is believed that our dreams are a way for our conscious minds to process and understand what our unconscious self knows to be true. Maybe there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now but then again this is not new.

Last Sunday, I had an unpleasant experience that left me feeling naked, stripped of my defenses and vulnerable. I was in a state of shocked for a while and at that moment, I also felt very alone….

Never a bother

I woke up sobbing this morning... triggered by what you said to CS in my dream.

Try as I may, it still escapes my consciousness what it was you were trying to get him to do. All I know is that it has something to do with his studies. You were trying to coach or guide him in the right direction and both CS and I knew it. But somehow he is slow in responding and I may have something to do with it. You repeated it several times telling him that if he did as told, you would never bother him again.

"I will never bother you again".... was embedded in my waking thoughts. The realization that you were not here was so overwhelming that I just burst out crying. As wakefulness begun to set in, my pragmatic self took over. I searched to remember your message but without success.

Your brother's interview for his PhD application is scheduled for Oct 22 and I am thinking that you may be trying to get something across. We are very proud of him and I am sure you are too. Only 5 were short listed out of more than 30 applicants.

What could the message in my dream be? Was there one? Will you please come back tonight and tell me....?

Hope

What is wholesomeness without modesty and respectability, fulfillment without dignity and respect?
What is giving without generosity and meaning, happiness without contentment and joy?
What is life without passion and excitement, love without sacrifice and surrender?

And so many drift aimless, stumbling blindly in search of what they know not
Theory and reality co-mingled and entwined, unraveling slowly but only for a few
The lessons in life are bitter sweet, the path is rock-strewn and the direction is uncertain
But surely for the few who perseveres, faith abound bidding farewell to despair

It is an imperfect world and by decree a flawed existence and not by choice
And so we call on Hope and Sanguinity to lend a helping hand, to shed some light at the end of the tunnel
The coming of the dawn brings sunshine or so the expectation, overcoming Anguish and Misery
But there is no guarantee, only faith and a commitment to stay the path with the hand fate has dealt
And in the end, find solace in the conviction that life is precious and to be cherished

Happy Birthday from A.Choo Choo

I want to wish you a happy birthday. I miss you.

Work has been crazy and we've been firefighting all day but I was always thinking about you. Tried calling mum but the phone was engaged. I'll try again tomorrow.

ACC

Happy birthday

We raised our glasses last night
And wished you happy birthday
You would have been thirty three
Today
How can we ever stop wondering
What it would have been like
If you were here
Eating your mother's prawn mee
By the bowls
Drinking the best Shiraz your mother could buy
Why can't we comprehend
The emptiness of your absence
Why can't we settle
Our nights into a dreamless sleep
And move through each moment, each day, each year
Seamlessly
Without hungering for your smile
Without weeping for your touch

Looking to this Day!

http://meiphingsep151975todec282005.shutterfly.com/
As your birthday draws closer, the feeling of hollowness and facing a world without you increases in magnitude. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to grief and I know you want for me to be happy. I think I've achieved happiness to a certain extend or at least on the surface. I go through the mechanics of living. I do enjoy the company of friends and the various activities that keep me challenged and engaged. But underneath it all, the sadness remains.. Lately I've started thinking about happiness and what that means. Quite amazingly, there are quite a few definitions of happiness. One especially struck a cord with my own philosophy and that of the way you've lived your life. Here’s a toast to life, the way it should be lived… And I will do my best to live every second like it was my last one…

“Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day! Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!”

................... Kalidasa

Celebrating MP's life Episode2

November 2007 was the 1st episode toward making some meaningful effort at celebrating your life. Almost a year has passed and your birthday is coming up again. So far my effort had not been much to shout about but I guess when it comes from the heart, a little goes a long way.

After the 1st visit to the village, I had the opportunity to lend Reiter's OA cause a hand. I had gone to the 'Gerai' to pick up some gift ideas for my trip to the US. When I was at her stall, a customer was interested in one of the larger wood carvings which was in storage in Hartamas so I volunteered to go get it for her and did. I also ended up spending more than a 100 bucks on gifts for friends. Recently I picked up some items for myself. Guess my accessories will now be more ethnic than ever...

More recently, I donated on behalf of a friend to the chinese earthquake victims amounting to more than 1K (not sure if this counts even if I made the call). I also suggested a blood donation campaign as one of the activities for our community projects and this was realized yesterday. Happy to say the turn out was good and we hit our target and collected more than 100 bags (350 ml each). And yes, this time I had enough blood to contribute my share...:)

The next project is to see if we can create some awareness for the OA and the challenges they face. I am excited at the prospect of doing a little more for these people ...
http://www.wildasia.net/main.cfm?page=article&articleID=267

Living the moment

I did wonder if I should wear the kebaya that I had worn for your graduation but felt it may be too formal given that your brother had already said no dress code. So instead I put on a summer dress and almost froze for my vanity. Good thing I had the good sense to bring along a jacket and silk scarve. These did the trick and kept me warm. Auntie Choo2 kept warm in a borrowed winter coat from Dorcus.. :)

We took a road trip to Scotland and I was and still am pretty surprised that your brother and I did not fight even once. We drove up to Edinburgh then to Inverness (did not see any monster) and then on to the Isle of Skye before heading back to Liverpool. Edinburgh is a really beautiful city with all its old majestic looking buildings and quaint alley ways. In terms of scenery, I would have to say the Skye won hands down. Rolling hills, green green meadows and cliffs dropping into tap clear water and super clean beaches. My only regret was not having planned for a dip. However we made up for it at a little town called Mallag. We were also up close and personal with the train used in the Harry Porter movies. Your brother was so excited.

Throughout the entire trip, I kept feeling your presence. The thought of living the moment for you was always hovering in my mind. Not sure if I fully understand the rationale, just one of those things I suppose. You would have enjoyed every minute of this trip just like you did everything else that came your way.

Like Pheng says, we are not quite ready to let you go... and so we cling on to your memory.

A Day To Be Proud Of

You would be proud to know that your brother Chean Shen has graduated with a major in micro-electronic engineering on 22 July. He is the only one in John Moores University to hold the degree in this field. Your mom and I were at the Liverpool Anglican Cathedral, where the graduation ceremony was held, to share this proud moment with him. We were so happy when we saw him went up on stage to receive his scroll. And oh, before I forget, Chean Shen's girlfriend, Dorcus, joined us with her parents to take some pictures. It was a very pleasant day with temperatures hovering around 16 degrees celcius but the wind factor makes it seemed much colder. In the evening, your mom hosted a dinner at Chean Shen's place to celebrate the happy occasion. Chean Shen is sharing a house with Dorcus and Elaine, who had their graduation ceremony on the following day. Needless to say, we showed up the next day to share the happy moment with them, and again took lots of pictures. I couldn't help thinking of the time when we attended your graduation ceremony and I had to borrow a cardigan to cover my bare shoulders not knowing UKM has a strict dress code. In Liverpool, there's no such restriction. How I wish you could be with us.
Your loving aunty choo choo

Moving On...

This past Sunday, I spent the day lazing around… doing nothing. Then at about 3pm, it started to rain. I have always been very excited about the rain and so I thought… good opportunity to go into the bedroom for a nap.

I dreamt of Mei Phing. In my dream, I moved into a bungalow on Penang Hill, I was alone as Mom & Dad was away in Singapore. After staying there… for not sure how long, MP came into the picture. She seems to be staying with me and she would be chatting away. I don’t know what we chatted about but we were always talking. All thru this time, I was thinking… but MP is dead… she can’t be talking to me. Why was she behaving like she is not dead?

Then Mom came back and I told Mom about MP being around and chatting with me as if she is not aware that she had passed away. I asked Mom what we should do. We need to help MP move on. So, Mom said, since I was the only one who could see her and talk to her, that I should tell her that she had died.

So, I quickly went looking for MP knowing that is the right thing to do. But, I was filled with so much sadness that I had trouble telling her that she had passed away. I struggled and cried so hard but I finally managed to get the words out.

Without saying a word, she smiled at me, in her usual mischievous smile… telling me that the joke is on me coz she already knows. Then I cried even harder, not believing that she can play such a cruel joke on me.

Then she said, “It is OK, I have all of you in my heart always and I can see that everyone has moved on very well”. I was so frustrated and sad, so I yelled back, “Noooooo!!!! We are all just good at pretending to be moving on!” I was so emotionally charged that I woke up at that moment. My cheeks were wet from crying in my dream. In the following moments, I realised that the only way I can ever chat with MP again is in my dreams … the sense of loss is so overwhelming… I cried even harder awake.

I really wonder how can we ever really move on, when the loss is so great and overwhelming that I don’t really know how or where to start moving on? Well, the only way really, I guess… is to start by pretending we are moving on and someday (hopefully soon), we realized that we have indeed moved on. And when that day comes, we can stop pretending. That’s when we can think of her with beautiful memories and without our hearts breaking all over again.

I do believe this is Mei Phing’s way of telling me to stop pretending that she away in the U.S. and deal with her death by making me say it in my dream. It is a painful and cruel way but I guess the best treatment for denial is shock treatment!! Hehehe… Thanks MP, for the wake-up call!

New beginings

Last week I received a letter addressed to you. Guess what, its your panther’s insurance renewal notice. Yeah your brother never got round to transferring the bike to his name. Guess he wants to hold on to it for keep sake. I worry that the bike may not be in working condition when he comes back… oh well, we’ll see.

Speaking of your brother, his graduation 1st degree is coming soon and I’m planning on going. Its in July so it will be pretty hot I suppose but hopefully not too much. I still remember yours and the excitement. Looking back, I regret discouraging you from coming home to attend your doctoral graduation. I can’t help thinking if things could have worked out differently.

Its really uncanny but a couple of weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I heard your brother calling me. The tone was what you or your brother usually used when you guys were exasperated with me. I was groggy from sleep and the first thought was that I must have left my pc on and he was calling me on skype. I was too sleepy to get up and basically ignored the call. In the morning, I thought about it and realized it could not be as I would have needed to accept the call even if CS had called.

Upon reflection, I remembered how much alike the two of you could sound. Maybe you got through somehow huh? I am torn between wanting to speak with you one more time and the assurance that you are in a better place. I need you to tell me that this was truly your destiny and that you are happy where you are now. I need to hear you say that the powers be had bigger things planned for you that could not wait.

In the meantime, I’ve taken steps to close some chapters in my live and to open new ones. Your zeal for life continues to be the strength I feed on to be strong.

Love, mom

An unforgettable evening

This morning as we were walking to the gym, Raj commented that I have not posted anything on Mei Phing's blog since New Year's eve. Yeah, I admitted rather sheepishly, and remarked that every time I posted some thing it was to remember Mei Phing and the tone was usually sad and depressing. Raj suggests writing some thing more cheerful or about an experience that has made a lasting impact. Ah, the general elections, I exclaimed.

On Sat. night, 8 Mar, I had some friends over to pop champaign just in case the Opposition parties turn in a better performance than in the 2004 general elections. Ah Fook showed up at 6pm, earlier that we expected, just as your mom and I were starting to prepare a simple dinner. Anyway, resourceful as we are, we managed to cook up a dinner for 4 when Seng Keong (our Dr Chua), a close friend of Ah Fook and Raj decided to skip his $100 per person dinner to join us.

By 8pm, our party has begun with Raj and Narissa, and Alex and wife popping the corks and munching pizza and tidbits. By 9pm, unconfirmed results from online Malaysiakini started what promised to be a night of shocking defeat for BN and a landslide win for the Opposition parties. Imagine sms were also flying in all directions from friends more than happy to share the results. I got one sms that said Pg chief minister Koh Su Koon OUT; indeed Penang was the first state to fall to the Opposition with DAP forming the state government. We almost woke up the neighborhood with echoes of `yum seng' or `cheers'!! As the night progressed, BN had lost 3 other states, Kedah, Perak and Selangor, and retained Kelantan with a bigger majority. Some of us who had contributed to the funding campaign for Dr Jeyakumar who stood against a seemingly invincible Samy Vellu felt vindicated as he won, even if by a slim majority. Another chorus of `cheers'; our voice hoarse by then. By midnight, the Malaysiakini website had jammed up unable to cope with the overwhelming demand. We had by then hooked up with Chean Shen who was also monitoring the results from UK. He was as excited as we were. Ah Fook, Alex and wife had left by midnight but the rest of us were still monitoring the results from the TV stations, and amused ourselves by making jokes at some dour-looking BN officials at the press conference. The final verdict was that BN nearly lost its two-thirds majority if not for help from Sabah and Sarawak. Never have you seen me so animated and awake at 3am! To sacrifice my sleep was all worth it; the results speak for themselves. And to cap it all, Liverpool beat Newcastle 3-0 in the wee hours of Sunday morning!

Void that can't be filed

Somedays are just harder not to miss you and feel sad. Today is one of them. Now and then the realization that I can't reach out and touch you or call you for a chat sinks in and hits me like a ton of bricks.

At times like this, there is no escaping the heart wrenching pain that coarse through every fibre of my being. And so I succumb to the need to brawl my heart out in misery and self pity.

Its been 25 and a half months since that fateful day when you left us in such a hurry. Nothing much has changed except for the void you left behind.....

Two years passed since MP left us but her contribution to society will live on. I was always very proud of her achievements and still am. I came across some of her work and thought it befitting to share them here.

Everyday is a struggle to find meaning and not be consumed by self pity at losing my daughter. I am getting so much better at this. The fact that I was able to participate in the recent xmas festivities was a major improvement. Now the CNY draws near and I am reminded again that MP is not gonna be around. I miss my girl....

http://lifesciencesweek.rnet.missouri.edu/LSWindex/documents/pdf/brechenmacherl@1.doc.pdf

http://lifesciencesweek.rnet.missouri.edu/LSWindex/documents/pdf/brc4yd@1.doc.pdf

http://www.ejbiotechnology.info/content/vol9/issue2/full/3/bip/index.html

http://www.scielo.cl/fbpe/img/ejb/v8n1/a06/bip/

Liverpool with CS Dec2007

Well I arrived in Manchester and hang around for a couple hours before hoping onto a train heading for Liverpool. This was Dec 14 and according to your brother very well timed as he was sitting for his last paper.

After being so used to the heated buildings in the US, I was caught off guard at the relatively colder temperatures within the buildings. Parked myself in one of the cafes while waiting for your brother and while it was better than standing in the middle of the station, it was still cold. I had to keep my jacket, gloves and hat on.

CS suggested renting a car for a road trip but I was kinda lazy and really just wanted to spend time with him. So we ended up spending a lot of time shopping. Some winter clothing for him and Dorcus. Mostly we shopped in the nearby malls except for a day trip to the Cheshire Factory Outlets.

Your brother is doing pretty good. You will proud to know that he is working part-time to supplement his expenses. His first odd job was toilet cleaning, then sweeping the stadium. His third job was that of a store keeper. Although it was a temp position, it was with a huge catalog/wharehouse retailer so the experience was good. More recently he’s found himself a regular part-time job writing machine manuals. Plus he’s with a girlfriend who obviously adores him.

And oh, I am so impressed with his landlord. Surprise, surprise!!... Chris is Malaysian and an ENT surgeon training to be a consultant. Real estate is his fall back plan and he’s also pretty handy around the house, diy quite a bit of the interior fixtures. He took us out dancing at a Latin club on my birthday and guess what? He’s also an accomplished Latin dancer. We met two more medical practitioners from Msia. One is a Kidney consultant while the other an Eye surgeon. Makes me proud to be Msian.

Anyway the week flew by really fast and soon it was time to fly out to Chicago.

''Sins''

It is fitting that I spend new year's eve listening to my favorite operatic tune; this one is a gem lost more than two years ago, and if not for Youtube I wouldn't be listening to it right now. The music video I'm referring to is the Cantonese operatic tune sang by the late Anita Mui at a charity concert to help the China flood victims in 1991. I had taped the event together with a cantonese opera movie called the `three smiles'. Those days, you, Saw Hong and I used to watch the tape every time you visit because `three smiles' is a comedy opera movie and you like comedies. Before the tape finishes, we would listen to Anita Mui singing the ''Sins'', a lament about paying the sins for a hard life and its accompanying poverty. Some call it the beggar's song. Sang beautifully by Anita Mui, the song evokes a sense of despair and inevitability about fate in life. One day, I threw away the tape not because I grew tired of it but it was destroyed by mold and moss as humidity set in. For the last two years, I was thinking about the tape and recall how much fun we had watching it together. Two weeks ago, Lady Luck smiled on me. A colleague of mine who is also an Anita Mui fan forwarded me the link to Youtube showing the video clip of the charity concert! I was naturally thrilled, but if only momentarily as the reality of you not being here to share it with me sank in. To think that we always hang out together on new year's eve, this moment is the hardest to accept.

What a year!

2007 has been a good year, although it didn't quite start as well at work. I lost my boss and half the research team, but somehow we still managed to produce some decent work. We moved to the 9th floor end Sept. and I had great pleasure setting up the new wing and the team settled in very nicely. I have a cosy corner where I have a complete view of my team-mates. Since we moved up, I have been happier with my team and work as we are left alone to do our job even though we are still short of staff. It's been very tough to find people in booming Singapore where unemployment has been the lowest for decades. Cost of living is fast rising as housing rentals and taxi fares zoomed up. Still, I prefer working in Singapore than KL with its never-ending traffic problems.
Outside work, I'm learning how to relax and stay fit by going to the gym 3x a week. Sat. morning is when I work out with a personal trainer (hmmm, he's got a great build with 6 packs) who literally pushes me to the limit, ignoring my moaning and groaning when the pain becomes unbearable. I have lost 4-5kg since I took up gym and now weigh between 50-51kg. looks like i have to get a new wardrobe!
A few weeks ago, your mom came by on her way to the UK and US. I took half a day off to spend some time with her and in the evening, Raj and I celebrated her birthday at Original Sin where the food is rated *****. She will be spending about 5 days with Chean Shen in Liverpool before flying off to Illinois to see Ross. Oh, and Li Huey was home for two weeks. We talked over the phone and I was pleased to know that she is doing well; finished her Masters and starting her doctorate program.
While it has been a good year, nothing is the same without you. Sometimes we just do things to get by. I really miss you very much.
aunty choo2