Remembrance

It rained today
Afterward
The grass glistened as the sun set
The birds sang their song
As dark descended
I remembered you today Mei Phing
As I laboured over the edits
Of a book I would otherwise never have read
You would have wondered maybe
At the ludicrous state of my mind
As you would have over the length of our days
As we laboured on without you
Limping into the shadows of tonight
Book without end

hk2009

The last time I was in Hong Kong was in Dec. 2005, when I received news of your sudden illness; that you had leukimia. I was shocked, angry and felt helpless. I asked a friend if she knew of any bone marrow donors and transplant facilities in HK. The next day, I was at the famous Wong Tai Sin temple seeking divine help to save your life. I made a donation pledge if you get well. When I received a call at 3am, I knew it was bad news; you had passed away. I returned to KL with a broken heart.

I was back in HK last week, and visited the WTS temple to lodge a protest. Of course, I know there is no such thing as divine intervention. Still, your death - sudden and premature - was unacceptable; the grief and pain that it caused is immeasurable. I asked myself whether I had come to HK to seek closure; may be? But there is no denying that I still miss you very much.

I see you in my dreams

I see you in my dreams and in this dream i want to stay,

But all too soon the stirring of wakefulness reaches through,

And with consciousness comes reality, Then a wave of pain descends upon my being,

Reaching deep down, squeezing my heart until I cry out in agony,

Hot tears flow freely and sobbing aloud seems the only relief,

Until the instinct for survival takes control,

And instead be grateful for the time with you,

For the light and warmth you brought to my life,

Forever in my heart, my angel........

Touching Base

Its been a while since I wrote... not much excitement to report. But I just got a new toy. Yeah its an ideapad. Been spending time loading it up with stuff that I like having on my machine. Not taken it outdoors yet but am sure we'll both love the treat. Me and my new toy that is... :)

Oh I just came back from Penang. Another one of my impromptu trips with my salsa buddies. It was interesting as I got to get a taste of the salsa scene in Penang. Very small group compared to KL. Most of the faces I already know. The first time I met most of them was on one of their many trips to KL for salsa. The place they danced on the weekend is a restaurant by the sea so the setting is rather romantic. And so we danced to music brought by one of the local salsa enthusiast and sea breeze softly brushing our sweat covered skin. The soft lighting from the parked yacht formed the background adding to the resort feel of the environment. Really all that's needed to complete the picture was some tables with white table cloths and candle light.

That was really the high light of the trip. However, I was quite disappointed that we did not get to stop for the 'chee cheong fun'. Sigh..... what a shame.

I Feel Good

I didn't think I would say that after feeling really lousy over the weekend. I don't know what hit me in the wee hours of last Friday. I threw up 3x followed by runs. The doctor said it's stomach flu, but I suspect it's reflux considering I had a similar attack years ago but minus the runs. I've to restrict my diet to plain toast and water or 100plus without the fizz or better, porridge without the trimmings. No complaints though, peanut porridge never tastes so yummy.

This morning, just before I left for work, I had the TV on to see who's leading in the US Open. The game was tight; Roger Federer and Del Potro were playing the fifth set to decide the winner. I left the flat without waiting for the final score, but hoping for an upset. When I reached my office and logged in Bloomberg, I saw the news. Del Potro had beaten Federer, yeah!
At the same time, I received an sms from my housemate who is a Federer fan and I teased him about his `loss'. He replied that `it's only a game'. So I said, `I feel good'. Happy Birthday, MP!!

Dream of 9 9

So I was driving, then I received a phone call from you. I was told to come meet you at your apartment. So I went and the lobby door was locked. In true Malaysian style I waited for someone to come out and made my entrance. I recalled in the lift, you lived in Level 9, Unit 9.

When I walked out of the lift I felt it was a very high place, windy and cold enough that i could see my own breath. I soon developed acrophobia but looked down a few times and I got used to it. Soon I was in front of your door with a typical steel grills commonly found in asian homes. There you were in your intel clothes you got free of mom. Complete with your housemates, SawHong and LiHuey and one other unknown fella. To top it off you were a wee bit chubby....

In the dream, I already realized you shouldn't be here. So this must be a dream. But instead of asking more interesting questions, we were engaged in regular small talk as if nothing happened. Unfortunately my realization that it was a dream also caused me to wake up. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling though.

Anyway, when i woke up, my mobile showed a reminder. 9 of September, a friend is leaving UK. Due to the settings the reminder would not have appeared the night i went to bed. 9 of September another friend is coming to bunk at my place as well. Naturally i told the friend who was leaving uk about the dream. She immediately assumed she's gonna die in a plane crash. Other then friends coming and going, 9 of September was pretty uneventful.

Still trying to figure out if it means something. Perhaps you were referring to 4D numbers.....090909. 9 September 2009. All in all the significance of that date it's still a mystery to me.

Anyway happy birthday. You would have been in your mid 30s you old fart.

Bravo... tres bien

Well your brother’s done it. He’s well on his way to catching up with you. Auntie Choo2 and I attended his MSc graduation and yes you guessed right. There will be at least one more to come. Maybe 3 years from now. He’s doing well! His PhD is funded with a stipend to boot. We are all very proud of him just as we were of you. I can imagine your elation at this news as well.

Last year the three of us had a simple lunch after his graduation and dinner was an affair at home with us, Dorcus and her parents. This year Auntie Choo2 and a close “family friend” treated us to a fancy French restaurant joined by Dorcus of course and CS’s quirky friend from China. Wished you could have been here to celebrate with us. I imagined you sitting next to him at dinner toasting with the rest of us to his achievement.

This trip was another adventure for us. We took a leisure hike up the Helsby hills the first weekend I arrived. We also climbed Tryfan’s in Wales or part of it. We did not go up Adam & Eve since mom would probably suffer a heart attack coming down the steep and rocky trail. If it can be called a trail! Anyways you brother’s description of his experience was enough to fill my need for adventure. Switzerland was amazing as well. My favorite was Zematt where climbers accessed the Matterhorn the highest peak in Switzerland. Of course your brother and I gleefully signed up for the climb up Briethorn (at 4164 meters, it is the 2nd highest peak in Switzerland).

But lo and behold, the thin air did me in. My muscles gave up the will to take another step up the peak at 3800 meters. We were told during the climb that we were crazy to have attempted the climb without at least 3 days of acclimatization. Even though I did not finish, I was really glad to have made the attempt. Next time….I shall be more prepared and I will conquer Breithorn! Your brother did well. He finished and was rewarded with a certificate of achievement. Bravo!

Oh oui … I finally took the plunge and signed up for French lessons. Classes are 3 times a week for 3 months totaling something like 72 hours! So far its still very basic so I am able to follow but we’ll see how I fare once the heavy artillery is dispatched….!

Tu me manques ma fille cherie! Love, Mom

Brian May

It's the second time I attended your brother's convocation. This year, it was for his Masters degree. I'm getting more familiar with the city of Liverpool, the dockyards, and of course, the Cathedral where the convocation took place. The weather was also lovely, cool and cloudy, hovering around 18-20 degrees C unlike the year before when the wind chill factor brought the temperature down to 10 degrees.

Your mom and I were there early to get the best seats to snap pictures. The convocation started promptly at 3pm followed by some VIP introductions and speeches. When the JMU Chancellor was introduced to make a speech, someone sitting next to me exclaimed excitedly: `it's Brian May'! Brian May? I must confess that I didn't know who Brian May is. But I was curious to find out, so I googled Wikipedia. Brian May studied physics at Imperial College but along the way found fame as the lead guitarist of the rock band Queen and as a rock musician for some 30 years before he returned to complete his PhD in Astrophysics in 2007; that sums up his colorful and distinguished career path. All that, however, couldn't take away the happiness we felt when we saw Chean Shen receiving his honors in Masters, and from none other than the distinguished Brian May himself.

Strong lifts 5x5

Today, I managed to lift 50kg plates; the inspiration came from you. I recalled that you were keen on weight lifting when I signed you up for gym membership at the Bukit Kiara club. The program I am on is called strong lifts 5x5 and consists of 8 exercises; starts with squats followed by overhead press, bench press, deadlift and so on.  Squats are key to the program followed by deadlift. I failed miserably at squats; i just couldn't get the technique right. But I did better with the deadlift and after 6 months of practice, I was able to lift 50kg, my own weight. I wish you were here because I know you will love this program. For you, I will continue to persevere with squats until I get the technique right. 

Life can be unfair

I was told yesterday that a girl I met recently took her own life a week ago. The thought of her wasting her life when you fought and lost made me upset. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. She was 29 and healthy and could have lived a full life.

It made me cry but more out of helplessness. I was being selfish... Thinking if only her chance could have been given to you instead..

When it rains, It pours

Yesterday as I turned off ontothe highway leading to Batu Caves, I thought of you again. I remembered the countless times you either dropped me off or came climbing with me. Maybe it was because yesterday was Mother's Day and my pain of losing you intensified. When I got to the parking lot at the Nanyang wall, I sat in the car and continued to brawl my heart out for a couple of minutes. Its a good thing I have a host of activities to keep me busy and my mind focused on other things. Cause I started crying or more like brawling again as I was driving back home.

Somebody asked if it gets better over time. I suppose it does. I don't cry as much now but when the pain comes, its just as intense as it was. So yes, when it rains, it pours! I still miss you

A great weekend

I was back in KL last weekend, and had a great time with your mom. She was in a really good mood! She looked relaxed and was accomodating about everything considering the stress she's under at work. I like the new Wendy. The weekend could not have ended better; Liverpool thrashed Manchester United at its own ground with a flattering score line, not seen since 1936!

More of your escapades

Steve’s presence here in Msia was somewhat surreal. While it was nice having him here, it was also a constant reminder of you as we brought him around and inducted him with some of your favorite hang out spots and food. It was also the first time I returned to the temple since your funeral. It was also the first time I saw Su Fung.

She shared with Steve some of your adventures and one that I did not know of. She told me how you used to sneak off early in the morning to cycle and returned before I was awake. I thought I knew all your antics but I don’t remember this one. You definitely opened the way for your brother and enabled him to do a lot of things I was too afraid to let you. To some extend watching you struggle in your last moments and feeling utterly helpless was one of the hardest feelings I had to endure. How silly of me, guess it’s a parent’s job to be over protective.

CS is back and he got to meet Steve who was here for about 10 days. Steve planned his trip to coincide with CNY so he got to meet the whole family in Penang and the rest in KL. He dug into whatever we put in front of him with gusto. Thought he was really brave until I found out that he had brought along a ‘tummy armor’ and was popping those before each meal. Still he did us proud. Not once but twice we went for durians and he loved the durian cakes. He also learned to play Mahjong and did pretty well. Talk about beginner’s luck. At Uncle Teik Ee’s he had the opportunity to entertain us with his singing err I think he was singing… :)

Your brother will return to Liverpool to continue with his PhD. The other good news is that he received a distinction for his Masters so we’re all very proud of his achievements. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he’ll receive enough funding so that he can fully concentrate on his research and not worry about making ends meet. I can imagine how proud you are of how far his come as well.

Love, mom

Determined that 2009 should be a good year all round

This time of year is hard for me and while I try not to let it get to me it does. I thought I did a pretty good job of containing my emotional stress but this morning as I was driving into my office car park, the thought of again starting the year without you hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up brawling my heart out in the car. It was a good thing nobody was about.

It was not a good way to start the year, I know. My good friend Kathi and I were just toasting to everything good last night at dinner and that thought managed to filter through, reminding me that I should also remember to count my lucky stars. Familiar faces raced through my mind and it dawned on me the sacred truth of having a strong network of family and friends. I could not have gone through losing you if not for their love and support. . . It struck me that I should let them know and so I did. I penned a short note to this effect.

You are not here with me but in your place, you have sent me many angels. I know we are all individuals and different and handle these emotional traumas in diverse ways. I understand and appreciate the fact that some find it uncomfortable in such situations. But each person I came into contact with helped to lit the path in front of me. Each in their unique way.

I still miss you very much…

Love, Mom